Unseen troll

     Today, I have been driving the whole day and I am really getting too tired and I really need to sleep but shit the writer's block. I just need to pump in the three day's grace album and start blogging to clear my mind. I thought of this story and I hope you do enjoy it. I just wanna get this story out. Title of this post is the unseen troll.

    Spring came and the nasty winter just ended. The winter wasn't particular long for Sarah as all days are the same. She have a special gift. A special gift that nobody had and that everyone thought it was a curse for a human to see. She could see trolls. Not those nasty and ugly ones, those that accompany her and become her companion for the long winter or any other days. Sarah couldn't fit in the society. She was always the odd one out. The one that got pushed away. The one that nobody included only when she is needed. Her family couldn't understand why she could see the trolls. They can't see how the trolls accompany her for many times when the lonely devil snarls at her. She was all alone and all she had were the trolls.

    Though the trolls speak to her and give her companionship, they can't be seen by anybody and understand by anybody. She feels like only her trolls could understand her. Understand her loneliness, understand her darkness and especially her pain. Because of her trolls, she could see how the world was. A cruel world and a world where there was no kindness. Once her trolls played a trick and her and ask her to tell one of her best friends about them. Her best friends couldn't understand it and thought it was a curse for her. They drag her to the university's counselling. There Sarah met Mr Lee. Mr Lee was a calm person. Somehow she trusted him and wanted him to know more about the trolls in her head and only she could she them. Mr Lee somehow told her mother about the trolls and she was too broken as the trust was always broken by someone she trust. Mr Lee then refers her to a psychiatrist that could help her unseen the troll. That's where she begin to long for the trolls. Although they were a dark entity of herself but at least they brought her companionship and never make her feel lonely.

   She starts to eat happy pills as people told her that her trolls was the result of her unhappiness. She eats them every night but still she longs for the trolls. She calls them and wishes them to visit her as now they don't. The trolls ignore her as how she had ignored them. The trolls plays on her broken heart and wings so they could pull her deeper and deeper in the dark and never into the light. Sometimes she wonder if the happy pills can make people happy??

PS: The story is untrue and its just a writer's block  

Flashlight at the end of the tunnel

    Hello, fellow readers, I know I haven't post anything for a long time now. It is because I was so busy with my academic that I forgot my love for writing. Today was a great day. How I hope I can imprint this day to my head forever. If I were to take my last breath on this earth, how I hope that I will remember such memories with my housemate, Miow Chyi and her friends(Janet, Mandy and Jing Wei). I am like having a writer block and I really need to express it out so I can sleep. Here it goes:

Just like how the raindrops fall on her head, she feel the coldness like everybody else. While other runs and keep themselves dry, she embrace the rain as it was the only time she could cry. She did this for so many years and it continued up to her university life. All the pressure and the heartaches just mount and mount on top of her till she can't breath or even scream for a help. "Why can't you be more skinny? Why can't you just study more? Why can't you be the perfect daughter I want? Why can't you try to be a more productive person? Why can't you ? Why can't ? Why? " are all she hears everyday. She starts to wander into the sky and seek for answer. But nothing came out. Like a detective she began to wonder why to all the question and tries her best to answer them.

But the answer turns to hate. Hatred to her body, hatred to her mind, hatred to the world and epecially hatred to herself. She began to wonder why she exist and if she leave will anybody care for her? Slowly and slowly she fights the battle at night while remaining happy in the morning and especially in front of people. She was always taught "Don't be weak." The battle at night was so bad it wounded her. With every wound she fought, the darkness of the world start seeping into her mind. The darkness becomes her friends and start to talk to her. It was all fine at first and she gotten used to the voice until the voice started to suffocate her with more hatred to herself and more hatred to the world. The voices often say " Come with me to the other side. Its much more cheerful and wonderful. Don't suffer here anymore." She couldn't help it and she know she have no more strength to fight with her voices. She began screaming for help as she knows she is drowning.

She seek for so many people to help her. Many were her closest friends that she would have given anything to them. But once they heard that she had problems, they disappear themselves from her world. They began to ask her why can't you be happier? Why can't you think more positive? Its all in your mind? You can control it. She tries her best but the voices still came and attack her every night. Some nights, scars was left behind and the fear of people knowing it too. She couldn't see the light at all in the darkness. The light was fading away and her only thought was to kill herself as it will make it all better to feel like the light is brighter now than it will ever be.

That was when somebody told her if there is darkness in the tunnel, I will hold the flashlight for you. Although it was funny, she could feel that maybe the darkness had other people with her. She began telling the flashlight holder story of her pain and suffering and began to tell her that she wish to die and leave this world. What she didn't know that the flashlight holder wasn't only one person but a group of friends. She fought with her voice more with the flashlight help as the voices hated the flashlight. She tries her best to fight and everyday before she sleeps, she fights. She will fight everyday even its painful and suffering. She knows that flashlight will always be there and although they may disappear, its so that they can let you see the true light at the end of the tunnel.

(PS: the story is purely fictional and for releasing my writer's block hehe. Thanks for all the attention and have a great day )  

Reverse, Pause, Play, Forward and Shuffle

    You people must be wondering why my title today is super duper weird. Well, I discover that the music player setting can show you the rules of life.

     The first rule is to reverse. Remember back your roots, remember why were you born and why you exist on this planet Earth. If you had no idea like me, you can think and assume that you are born with a purpose, Everything happen for a reason. When something happen, its ripple will show its effect. You don't have to be the next noble prize winner or somebody famous to create such ripple. Just like my little sister. She was born out of a mistake but she is not a mistake in my life. She is my rock although it seems the other way around. Without her, maybe I am not in my physical form anymore. Without her, dying doesn't seem so cruel.

    The next rule is to pause. Stop whatever you are doing now and just live in the present moment. For somebody like me, it is an impossible task. I can't live in the present. I always think of future events or dig up some past event. Everyday when I cycle to Uni, I won't look at the beautiful surrounding, instead I think of the future or even the past. Sometimes I giggle while I cycle when I think of a funny situation.

    Okay, so the 3rd rule is play. No matter how hard life hits you, you must know that life move on. If you are sad for 60 second, 1 minute of happiness is thrown out of the window. The father time will not stop time just for you, the clock will continue on ticking and ticking until maybe after you die, you won't feel the effect of time. But as long as you are still breathing, your body clock is still ticking.


    The 4th rule is forward. Although like what I say that we need to live in the present. We must also plan our future. Sometimes, our plan don't work and then frustration and anger comes along but at least you tried. I would like to confess that my schedule of anything will never work. There will always be something that comes along like a bull and crash my schedule. My future plans do seem to frightening to some and some of my friends advises me to change my future goal as its too stressful and too ambitious. For me, its my plan and I will try my best to achieve it although I might die in the process due to exhaustion.

   The last rule is to shuffle. What is the meaning of shuffle? Shuffle back your memories when you feel bored. Remember your favourites and just play them. For me, memory of skies full of stars are the best for me, When I was in camp, I could see the skies filled with stars. Do you know why I love stars? Its because I feel that the stars are accompanying the lonely moon. When I see so much stars, I feel that the moon is not lonely and I am also not alone although some situations make me believe I am alone and useless.

    Well cheers and have a great weekend with loved ones as its Valentine's day and OMG fifty shades of movie is out and I am so bloody in love with the new Avril Lavigne song which is Give what you like!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!! Fan girl screaming hehehe.

So WHat?!

     Omg with the constant pressure from people to be perfect, I am definitely am somebody who don't care about her appearance or how I should treat somebody. My motto life is if you treat me good, I will treat you the same way. If you cross me once, I will still forgive you but if you cross me twice, that's it Bitch or Son of a Bitch. I won't talk to you anymore. I am not hard to understand. I just don't think that you should be treated the way you think you should get.

    PS: All this anger is because somebody scold me through Facebook. Do you balls?? Scold in front of me please. You are a guy! Even I wonder if I have more balls than you. You think you are great ? You think that you are brave to scold me through internet. At first, I got a bit sad but screw you. I think back of all the great and wonderful people who know me and love me. Who are you to scold me ? The worst part of all is that an unknown person scolded me. I don't even freaking know you?? At least let me talk to you then screw me. WTF?? I am super duper steam up.

     OMG I will show the world that I can do it. Generate those hate people. I am going to prove you wrong!! I may not be as clever as Einstein or as brave as a soldier but I will be me and I will be true to myself. Your insults will break my bones but I will continue to move on and prove that you are wrong. Do you think that you are few of my  haters? Join the community of haters who hate me. Even my own family member hate me. So what? ! 

Great memories are there to be cherish

      Beautiful memories leave its breath in my heart. I really love great memories. Thinking about it make me smile and sometime I will laugh my heart out with these memories. Till now, I had a lot of bad memories but today is just one of those days where memories just become light in the darkness.

     My camp just ended. Although there was bitterness during the preparation was present at that moment, the aftermath of the camp was just great. When all the participants thank you for organizing such great camp, your heart tend to melt a bit. I really love this feeling. I really bring out my inner self that I was hiding from the world. The girl that likes to have fun and not worry. A girl that can M-字腿 or move her butt, dance to oppa gandam style and harlem shake just for the sake of fun. How I wish I could be such a person when I return back to my campus life. I love how I was super high and manage to conduct the program flow according to plan. 

     But that wasn't the only thing that happen to me, beautiful memories continue to flow in. Today I woke up late for my quiz and call my friend. This guy is the most caring friend in the world. I cried instantly when I heard the quiz was over and I can't do it. He tried his best and contacted the lecturer to have a replacement for me. When I took the quiz, I nearly teared up and cry as my heart melted again as the quiz was in soft copy and he helped me write it down and give me some hint like which part is the correct one. I really could feel how warm a friendship was. I wanted to feel something like that for so long. Somebody to care for me. I love when people care for me. I was born in a scenario when care was not there and to feel something like this after a long time make me happy. 

     While I was writing this blog post, tears of happiness was flowing down from my face thinking how lucky I am to have such beautiful memories. I love this moment and I hope it will not go away. I just want these to last for eternity. When I take my last breath from the world, I will remember these memories. The memories that will last in me for a lifetime. 

Life is full of surprises

     Life is truly funny. Just when you think your boring life couldn't be anymore boring, something funny will appear in front of you. You will tend to remember such funny situation when your life journey ends. Yesterday was truly amazing day. I woke up as usual the late morning hours and went to my program meeting. We were practicing to dance to Happy by Pharell Williams and Waka waka by Shakira. If you ask the younger me, I would tell you that I hate dancing. Although I still hate it as I was bad in it, I found the fun of it. Dancing with the funniest people was the best. We laugh like hell but after 3 hours of torment practices, we all fell to the floor out of exhaustion. From that moment, I knew that dancing is hard but its fun.

     After my meeting, I went to New Town as usual to buy dinner. Just along the way, there was an indian girl. She was blocking my road and as I was exhausted, I didn't call her to move aside. She saw me and said sorry. I was going to pass her till I heard

"Can you fetch me to New Town?"

I replied "  Sure, if you want" thinking that she will refuse it.

"Can I?" She answer

I didn't expect that answer and fell down when I turn back to her. 'Great I fell down again from the bicycle' my mind was whispering to me. My palm and arm was slightly bruised and she rushed to me. The funny thing was that after that minute, I was fetching her on the back of my bicycle. She was a new student in Utar and studying Pr. Funny how my usual ordinary day turn out. I met a new person on that day

     After coming back to my room, I found out that my result was released and I saw that I was awarded with president list. I was happy that finally after all my hardwork, I finally got something back for myself. Truth be told, my life journey will never be boring if I close to myself. If I hadn't join any event, if I hadn't ride that girl back home and if I hadn't work my butt of to get good result, my life will continue to be boring.

PS to myself: Try new experience, you will never know what you can get!!

New year new look

    Happy new year !! Life is truly a mysterious. Just a few days ago, I was in Sabah; the land of mysterious. I saw the oceans, mountains and clean streams of fresh water. I love how the locals have simple life. No frustration of work to bring back. They seem happy. I was particularly drawn to the sea. The wave are relaxing and calm at the same time. I wander around the hotel at night just looking at the ocean. I met new friends there. They remind me of my Utar friends as they start speaking in Chinese something that I haven't done very long.  

    When I was in Sabah, I was like a child back. It had been so long that I have been in a trip. I was high at night and being flirty hahahaha. At most traveling with the craziest people. It's a great way to end 2014. A year that changes me and a year that taught me a lot about patience. 

    All I hope for my 2015 is to be more of myself. That's all. I want to relax anytime I want. I want to enjoy life and kiss my past and pain away. I want to explore the world. I want to be me. I don't want words to affect me and I want to be better for future. Well a new year begin and a new life will start!!