The pain

     I wanted to know why do my heart feel so painful. I want to know why I had become this emotional these few days. Then I found online that the reason I don't know the root of the pain because there is too much and my subconscious mind couldn't decide why and just crash and burn. Then, I went online again and found out that there is 7 source of emotional injury from psychology today.

1) Rejection
2) Loneliness
3) Loss and Trauma
4) Guilt
5) Rumination
6) Failure
7) Low self- esteem

     Well, I can find myself in categories of 2,4,5,6,7. First is loneliness which is category 2. I feel lonely this few days. Its not because I don't have family or friends . Its because I keep all the sad emotion to myself. I never fully reveal all my sad emotion to anyone. I feel like I am carrying all the burden myself. At some point, I do believe nobody actually like or love me and some just care for me not because they love me but because of responsibility to love me and empathy towards me. My own family members also once told me that if I wasn't their daughter, they will leave me to rot. So I know that its because of responsibility not willingness to love me.

     The second is guilt; number 4. My type of guilt is unresolved guilt. I believe that my feelings left behind when I have not fully apologized for a person. When I was doing my event, everyone expect me to perform the best. They expect me to excel but I didn't. I feel like I let them down. I feel like I owe them. I didn't perform my task well. There were event committees who yelled, scolded and even cry because of me. All this makes me feel so worthless. I can't be the person they expect. Even my event adviser told me why I do such a horrible job. When I didn't get high score, she ask me why didn't I study harder so we can raise the EV name. All this was on my shoulders. The guilt I felt is too much.

    The third is rumination. Rumination is going over and over the unpleasant or disappointing experience in life. I made a mistake and didn't score so well in my exam and I made a mistake that I overpower my team. Sorry but its too late to be sorry. Both post-mortem of my event is always replaying my head. All the shouting, the scolding , the crying, the blame keeps repeating in my head. I can't stop it. I just feel so helpless cause I can't turn back time.

    The fourth is failure. I am a failure. Failure to my family for not being chinese educated, all the things have to be pass to my brother. Failure as a student, can't score well and didn't bring EV name and pride up. Failure as a friend, make them cry and so concern for me. Failure in doing event, I feel that if I am not there, the event maybe more successful. Failure to all. I am a failure and I dream to be one of the greats. Pathetic dream. I fall below rubbish. Even rubbish have more value than me.

     The last one is low self- esteem. After these few weeks, I question my worth. I am worth less than rubbish. I am so useless. Whenever I walk at the corridor of the university, I feel like I am the ugliest, the dumbest and even the most useless. I am so worthless and I like want to disappear from the world. I shouldn't be born. Maybe somebody should replace my life. Maybe they will do a better life than me.

The temptation....

    I don't know why am I so sad since last night until now. I just feel so sad and my heart is bleeding. I have the temptation to cut myself to divert the pain and release some good endorphin into my body system. I know cutting yourself is very addictive and I don't want to start on that path. I don't want to let people see that I am a cutter. But the pain in my heart for no reason is overpowering me. I can't feel my physical body anymore. All I feel is pain in my heart. My happy mask is getting harder to fit on my face cause the heart is bleeding profusely.

     Now when I am sad, I can't cry anymore. I just stare at the blank place in my room. Just stare and my sad emotion settles in. I nearly tried to cut myself last night cause the pain was to overpowering. The blade was already at my right hand and I wanted to cut at my knuckles so it wouldn't look so obvious. I really want to feel pain externally cause my internal pain is too pain. But I didn't do it, I know this is very addicting and I don't want to continue this practice.

    So I search online on how to solve this temptation. Online told me to take a bunch of rubber band and pull and snap it on my skin when I feel like cutting myself. And I tried that method. After a few snaps on my wrist, I feel pain and I don't feel like cutting anymore. Now there is a rubber band at my wrist preventing me from cutting myself. I really don't want to have this cutting habit and I don't want to commit suicide cause I have people who love me like family and friends. But I want to make this pain disappear. I don't even know why do I feel so pain in my heart. Why can't my heart just grow thicker skin and withstand it. Maybe my heart had too much to stand. It can't cope anymore. 

That moment

     We all had a moment in life that you wish to turn back and change it. Maybe it would change your whole life. Maybe life wouldn't be like this. So if you have a moment to change what would you change ? This story I known was similar with this incident.

     Since form two, Vanesa didn't think that love would come knocking softly on her door. She knew it was love but she was afraid I might be despair or pain as most of her life that was what she had. She met Mitchel when she was 14 years old. Mitchel was just the nicest boy in the class. He sits in front of her and always help her with homework. Simple gestures like giving her his notes when she haven't copy finish, laughing at her jokes and just smiling at her makes her blush as no other boys do that to her. She wasn't the prettiest girl and she knew that that was the reason why some boys don't talk to her. But Mitchel was different, he was talking to her and smiling at her. Day by day, Vanesa fell in love with Mitchel.

     Vanesa didn't dare to tell it to Mitchel cause she don't want to lose this boy in her life. When she reach form 3, she still sitting behind Mitchel in class but the class teacher, Pn. Nor Aini wanted her to sit the other side as the other side boys were too noisy. When she knew this, she was sad as she couldn't sit with Mitchel anymore. That was the time she met Kris. Kris was the noisy bunch of the boys. He was completely different from Mitchel. He was the bad boy type. He always ask Vanesa for help as she can understand the class better and he was a slow learner. Vanesa still misses the times with Mitchel.

     After the May Mid-term examination, Vanesa heard rumour going around that Kris was starting to like her. Once, she heard Kris telling his friends on how beautiful Vanesa was especially her eyes. Although Vanesa knew Kris's intention was good but her heart was captured by Mitchel and she don't want Kris to fall in love with her. Once, Kris wrote a love letter and left it at Vanesa's table. It wrote there

" After rain, there will always be a rainbow,
The rainbow is a beautiful and captivating creation by God,
Its colour bring meaning to life,
You are my rainbow,
You bring meaning to my life,
You are the colour that shine my dark pathway,
I wish to see you everyday and hope one day you will be with me"

     After seeing that letter, Vanesa was so scare that Mitchel may see it. She hides the letter away but Jane; a friend of Vanesa saw the letter and read it. She told Mitchel that Vanesa got a secret admirer. Vanesa was so afraid to lose Mitchel. The next day, Mitchel ask Vanesa whether she need someone to protect. He ask Vanesa why would she be friends with Kris and whether she would like to switch places behind him. He wanted to protect Vanesa but Vanesa knowing how Kris may react. She was so afraid to accept Mitchel offer and said " I can protect myself" to Mitchel. Mitchel look so devastated as Vanesa didn't wanted his help.

     Somehow, Kris found out that Vanesa was in love Mitchel. After knowing this, he beat up Mitchel during physical education class. Both of their parents had to come to school and Mitchel was traumatized after this incident. Vanesa knew this case and was so devastated that Mitchel got hurt. Vanesa drew a line with Kris and didn't want to talk to him anymore. Mitchel also started to distant from Vanesa and it broke her heart. Since that beatings, Mitchel was never that close to Vanesa. Till now, her heart still yearns for him. Now, it had been 3 years she didn't talk to Mitchel. They went on completely different road leaving a scar behind. Even until now, Vanesa didn't dare to accept any boy's offer to be her boyfriend as nobody could replace Mitchel in her heart.

    That moment when she declined Mitchel offer to protect her was the most regretful moment in her life. If she didn't decline Mitchel, maybe she would be studying in America not in her local Malaysian university. Maybe she could hold Mitchel and love him with all her heart. Maybe Mitchel was her one true love and she lost it due to fear....

My alien!!

     I have been so damn tired and sad this few weeks. That sometimes I do wish to end my life. Many persuaded me to go to the counselor and try reduce those suicide thoughts in my mind. Problems come and go but the frequency of it coming and going was just too unbearable to me. Today, I learnt an important message from an wise old man. He said that " Always remember where are you and what are you doing now, if your heart and body is not one, many problems will arise" I believe him because every problem of mine starts when i don't know where am I and also what am I doing. My body may look like sleeping but I am thinking of other things. I tried to practice this! And I came back home and chat with my old high school friends which one of them included my ex-crush or can say my alien.

     I concentrated at their chat and didn't think of anything else. And sure enough, I was so happy at one point. I laughed at all their jokes so hard. I love them so much. I don't think I can live without them. They are really the bomb but there was one in particular that make my heart beat so fast.

    There was a moment in the group skype session that my alien wanted to tell me something. Then the line cut off. OMG my heart jump and my language went berserk that time. Swear words were flying from left to right and right to left. Finally, I connected to the skype and he say that I look damn different from where I was last time. And he say it in a way that make me feel beautiful. Like usual, my friends teases him and ask us whether we needed a moment or not. And we responded no. And also every joke I told in the group, he laughed so hard. And every time I tell him what am I doing as an environmental engineering student, he says its amazing.
   
     He got an american accent now but I know its him. I had waited for him 6 years to freaking respond me and now he does but I not sure whether is it true. My heart continues to beat so fast and my face blush every time he says what I do is amazing. OMG, I never felt something like this for a long time. I love this feeling. I love to have the hope of being in love and spending my life with someone I love. All those frustration and sadness just went down the drain. I am filled with this happy feeling again......

A mask

     A mask is something you cover with your face. Hiding your true face from the crowd. Some may use this mask for stabbing someone in the back but for me I like to hide my sadness with a happy mask. A mask that smiles to everyone despite my heart is bleeding profusely due family, studies and others. 

     People do ask me why I hide this sadness? It's because since young my family told me that true feelings of sadness will only bring sadness to other people. Since young when I was bullied , spit on and harass for not being girly enough, I would not cry in front of my mom. Instead I go back home and cry in the showers and blame my shampoo for my red eyes. My mom knew I had something holding me back and she always say that life I like this. They have problems and everybody need to face it. 

     My mask got thicker over the years as I transform my personality. I used to be an introvert and I notice I had no friends at all. My friends were always not at my back and many will backstabbing me since young. So I grew more and more layers of mask over the years. By the time, I reach university my mask was so thick that this mask was too hard to take out. And whenever I took it out I will cry one corner of my room cause I see the ugly side of my true feelings. All the things I keep to myself, and when I unleash it, I got screwed for it. Like my event problems, many told me that I brought this sadness to myself like I wanted this dose of sadness in my life. 

     I had to bear this sadness alone and I was taught to do so. As long this mask glued to my face, I will always smile in front of you. My heart is full of stitches from many heartbreaks in the past. I don't want to show this ugly side of me to others because I myself can't even face the mirror when I open this happy mask. I just wish I can have more strength to keep this mask glued to my face before I breakdown.

Bittersweet day!!

Today, I woke up with a smile on my face. I finally slept for 10 freaking hours!! Something that haven't done for so long!! I love the afternoon sunlight hitting my face and finally telling me to wake up! I saw my friend's post saying life is bittersweet. How life will always have its sweet and bitter moments. Well, I just discard it cause I thought how this happy day could actually fucked up..

     My morning ummm sorry afternoon begins when I go and change my Fb profile pics. After i posted it, there were two boys who told me I was amazing. I was on top of the clouds. Even one told me that, I was amazing for who I am. Then he sent me the link to Bruno Mars video on just the way you are. I dare him to sing to me but he doesn't want.... But it still makes my day. Another boy call me beautiful. Awwwwwwwwww, very long no boy have compliment like this to me. But don't worry boys, I wont fall in love with you guys since I am waiting for my soulmate at work.

     I was on cloud nine. And the sweetest thing haven't happen. The sweetest thing was that my ex-crush commented my profile pic and told me that I had change a lot and he wanted to meet me. OMG OMG my heart suddenly beats so fast and my stomach had butterflies flying wild. I haven't seen him since form 5 until now. Its been 3 years and he decided to crash at Kampar somewhere next 2 weeks. I hope I wouldn't develop any feeling for him cause its going to be hard as hell to have this relationship.

     Well, every sweet thing must have a bitter part. My evening was horrible. My assignment got problems and my family problems were increasing so bad. Why do I have such a grandma? Why am I the one who had to listen to my mother's sorrow and can't do a damn thing about it. I hated my family sometimes but I am blood -bonded with them. And I know things like this always happen to me but why must it happen to me at a happy day when I was so happy I could fly.

     But then, there was my her. She came when I was going to cry and going to breakdown. At first, I tried to conceal this emotional part of me from her and wore this happy mask cause I know the real face of mine looks horrifying around anybody. She bought me some of her hometown food and she notice I was somewhat off. After she went, I couldn't conceal this mask anymore and cried out at my pillows. There was a knock on the door, she came back and tried to help me cause she thought I was not the gleeful me. I wipe all my tears away and tried to fit that happiness mask again but I couldn't. I just feel like breaking down but she was there and I can't breakdown. After she left, I listen to some rock song and drank a cup of coffee and got better. I steam her hometown food and was so happy to eat it cause I know sometimes life always have its bitter and sweet moments.

What a day?!

     Today, I thought life was going to end. I was going to start my other event. The event that I was scare the most. I really got so stress up that in class any joke that my friends make I tried to laugh as I can so people will not see it. I tried to hide my feeling. I try to hold back my tears in front of everyone. I tell to my closes friends that I am about to explode. One of them were so good that she lend her shoulders for me to sleep. I was too tired and I just slept there for 15 minutes. She didn't tried to move and help me cause she knows I had a rough start of the day. She even accompany me to the workshop to see my committee works. She will always be remember as she is my EV senior and she even followed me to class.

     I didn't expect her to buy gifts from pulau perhentian but she bought one. I was so shock regarding that cause I didn't ask her to buy it for me. After she left, I had a terrible start to my event's preparation. But remember all is well. I love how it finally works out. My shoulders were lifted from burden and I hope the week faster end and I can finally concentrate on my studies. Oh yah!!

Stupid Anger of mine

I hate you anger. Why must you come to my life? Fucking anger.
You must be wondering why I hate anger so much. Because once it gets up, its very hard to get down! It takes lots of relaxation and therapy to get it down. Besides that my head feels like it is about to explode. The flow rate of my blood suddenly spike up and my blood vessels can't cope it.

Why must idiots exist? Why must they ruin my life and give fuel to my anger? I got so pissed off that my tongue start lashing out without any consideration of other emotion. I must always shout at my pillow whom i hug every night to reduce this anger... Must calm down, JA calm down , chillax for a while. That's it, relax. Calm your anger and breathe in and out. Think of the people you need to meet later. They don't want see you so angry and you might hurt them. Don't do this to them. Okay?

If I can make you happier!!

If I can make you happier I would. I am not someone who is chasing you, just an ordinary girl helping a wounded friend. I know life wasn't a breeze and it was like a hurricane to you. If small gestures would make you smile, I would. You remind me of my sister who is now not with me. When you talk to me, I always think that I am talking to a great person. You are beautiful the way you are stop doubting yourself. Small gestures like giving pikachu boxes make my day.

I hope you can read this but I wouldn't tell you to find it cause deep down this is how I feel. I treat everybody the same. if you treat me nice, I would give my heart to you and hope you don't crush it. If you treat me bad, that will be the last time I give anything to you. If I treat you nice, there must be a reason and the reason is because you treat me better and you make me super super comfortable talking to you. Thanks a lot for giving me the chance to know you and I hope this friendship will last till my last breath!!

My fear, anger, sad and happy~ness

Yesterday, I went to the counselling week exhibition at utar. I feel so relieved that I went there and wrote things that was so hidden in my heart regarding my fear, anger, sad and happy feeling...

First I went to write in the fear counter. What was my fear?? I fear loneliness and fear of not achieving what i want.

Then, I went to the anger counter and the things that pisses me off is that people dont follow me 

Later the sad counter, I wrote that I was feeling sad as 2 events and studies was on my shoulders and I really hurt a friend yesterday. I feel bad for hurting you !!

My happiness will be for good friends and company like my wonderful family 

My dream are all written in this paper. I want to be the greatest environmentalist and save humankind from there own destruction and have time for family and friends. Remember HOPE = hold on, pain ends

This was the last part of the event and I absolutely love this quote!!

Just a few steps more...

OMG, its already week 2 Saturday of my year 2 sem 1 term. I still need to have 2 more weeks then I am as free as a bird as all my events are finally over.. I have been so freaking stressed up this couple of weeks. Having two events is okay if you love them but the thing is that when you love one more than the other.

Its not that I couldn't stand the hard work. In fact the event I love the more require more time and energy to be invested. I feel happy and like a part of a family when I go do my favorite event. I don't doubt myself and my capability to run this event. I will always love you Healthy Lifestyle Campaign 2014.

 On the contrary, my other event have people who hates my guts and makes me miserable every time. I gets stressed up every single fucking time I go for their meeting. To those mother fucker who hates me well just continue your way cause I know that what I am doing is true to myself.

My beloved event committee really supports me and makes me feel good. They say that they are glad I came to their life. I feel so touched when I hear this and they become good friends with me. While the other event, the committee "so called engineering student" behaves more childish than my younger sister. I really hate them. They make me feel so unwelcome. Doubt myself constantly due to them. And I hate it when they defended a stupid action and try to justify it to me and my vice and ask me why I need to bother them. Hello you people are doing an event. Grow up please!! I hate them so much.

Why god you give me both the sweet and bitter fruit to bite the same time. I feel so lifeless and dead every single waking moment of my life. Just a few steps more...

That's whats friends are for!!

     If all day could be like this, I wish it could be!! I used to have my fair string of bad friendship had finally taste the sweet taste of friendship! 

     Although I fell down from the bicycle yesterday and it hurts like hell but I feel it is all worthwhile with the friends I have. All of them was concern of my wound and some even ask me to help me clean them although it was troublesome for them. I had the feeling that since this is my wound I should be the one cleaning it not them as I don't want to dirty their fingers. I know what I did concern you guys but I know you guys will be in my heart forever. 

     I had the whole day doing roadshow walking from block d to block n which is super duper far. Although it hurts but with the jokers, I was walking with I enjoyed myself. Although pain was excruciating but my happiness overcomes it. I know that some might find it crazy but I really love that I walk roadshow on my campaign which is Healthy Lifestyle Campaign!! WOOO. The amazing feeling removes the pain from my legs and gave me happiness instead. After I went back, I continue to do fundraising and the best part of all, a committee told me that somehow the more he sees me, the more he thinks I am more beautiful. For somebody like me who didn't get these kind of compliment really brings my day!! 

     After fundraising, another committee fetch me back home using her e bike i feel so touched that she is willing to fetch me !!! Omg imagine the amount of happy tears I have to withstand. But the best was yet to come

     The best was the night part where my coursemate gave me chinese rice dumpling as it was the chinese rice dumpling festival. He deliver it to me and I feel so touched to eat it. It taste super delicious and my tears of joys finally came down. 

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