I don't know why am I so sad since last night until now. I just feel so sad and my heart is bleeding. I have the temptation to cut myself to divert the pain and release some good endorphin into my body system. I know cutting yourself is very addictive and I don't want to start on that path. I don't want to let people see that I am a cutter. But the pain in my heart for no reason is overpowering me. I can't feel my physical body anymore. All I feel is pain in my heart. My happy mask is getting harder to fit on my face cause the heart is bleeding profusely.
Now when I am sad, I can't cry anymore. I just stare at the blank place in my room. Just stare and my sad emotion settles in. I nearly tried to cut myself last night cause the pain was to overpowering. The blade was already at my right hand and I wanted to cut at my knuckles so it wouldn't look so obvious. I really want to feel pain externally cause my internal pain is too pain. But I didn't do it, I know this is very addicting and I don't want to continue this practice.
So I search online on how to solve this temptation. Online told me to take a bunch of rubber band and pull and snap it on my skin when I feel like cutting myself. And I tried that method. After a few snaps on my wrist, I feel pain and I don't feel like cutting anymore. Now there is a rubber band at my wrist preventing me from cutting myself. I really don't want to have this cutting habit and I don't want to commit suicide cause I have people who love me like family and friends. But I want to make this pain disappear. I don't even know why do I feel so pain in my heart. Why can't my heart just grow thicker skin and withstand it. Maybe my heart had too much to stand. It can't cope anymore.
Now when I am sad, I can't cry anymore. I just stare at the blank place in my room. Just stare and my sad emotion settles in. I nearly tried to cut myself last night cause the pain was to overpowering. The blade was already at my right hand and I wanted to cut at my knuckles so it wouldn't look so obvious. I really want to feel pain externally cause my internal pain is too pain. But I didn't do it, I know this is very addicting and I don't want to continue this practice.
So I search online on how to solve this temptation. Online told me to take a bunch of rubber band and pull and snap it on my skin when I feel like cutting myself. And I tried that method. After a few snaps on my wrist, I feel pain and I don't feel like cutting anymore. Now there is a rubber band at my wrist preventing me from cutting myself. I really don't want to have this cutting habit and I don't want to commit suicide cause I have people who love me like family and friends. But I want to make this pain disappear. I don't even know why do I feel so pain in my heart. Why can't my heart just grow thicker skin and withstand it. Maybe my heart had too much to stand. It can't cope anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment