I wanted to know why do my heart feel so painful. I want to know why I had become this emotional these few days. Then I found online that the reason I don't know the root of the pain because there is too much and my subconscious mind couldn't decide why and just crash and burn. Then, I went online again and found out that there is 7 source of emotional injury from psychology today.
1) Rejection
2) Loneliness
3) Loss and Trauma
4) Guilt
5) Rumination
6) Failure
7) Low self- esteem
Well, I can find myself in categories of 2,4,5,6,7. First is loneliness which is category 2. I feel lonely this few days. Its not because I don't have family or friends . Its because I keep all the sad emotion to myself. I never fully reveal all my sad emotion to anyone. I feel like I am carrying all the burden myself. At some point, I do believe nobody actually like or love me and some just care for me not because they love me but because of responsibility to love me and empathy towards me. My own family members also once told me that if I wasn't their daughter, they will leave me to rot. So I know that its because of responsibility not willingness to love me.
The second is guilt; number 4. My type of guilt is unresolved guilt. I believe that my feelings left behind when I have not fully apologized for a person. When I was doing my event, everyone expect me to perform the best. They expect me to excel but I didn't. I feel like I let them down. I feel like I owe them. I didn't perform my task well. There were event committees who yelled, scolded and even cry because of me. All this makes me feel so worthless. I can't be the person they expect. Even my event adviser told me why I do such a horrible job. When I didn't get high score, she ask me why didn't I study harder so we can raise the EV name. All this was on my shoulders. The guilt I felt is too much.
The third is rumination. Rumination is going over and over the unpleasant or disappointing experience in life. I made a mistake and didn't score so well in my exam and I made a mistake that I overpower my team. Sorry but its too late to be sorry. Both post-mortem of my event is always replaying my head. All the shouting, the scolding , the crying, the blame keeps repeating in my head. I can't stop it. I just feel so helpless cause I can't turn back time.
The fourth is failure. I am a failure. Failure to my family for not being chinese educated, all the things have to be pass to my brother. Failure as a student, can't score well and didn't bring EV name and pride up. Failure as a friend, make them cry and so concern for me. Failure in doing event, I feel that if I am not there, the event maybe more successful. Failure to all. I am a failure and I dream to be one of the greats. Pathetic dream. I fall below rubbish. Even rubbish have more value than me.
The last one is low self- esteem. After these few weeks, I question my worth. I am worth less than rubbish. I am so useless. Whenever I walk at the corridor of the university, I feel like I am the ugliest, the dumbest and even the most useless. I am so worthless and I like want to disappear from the world. I shouldn't be born. Maybe somebody should replace my life. Maybe they will do a better life than me.
1) Rejection
2) Loneliness
3) Loss and Trauma
4) Guilt
5) Rumination
6) Failure
7) Low self- esteem
Well, I can find myself in categories of 2,4,5,6,7. First is loneliness which is category 2. I feel lonely this few days. Its not because I don't have family or friends . Its because I keep all the sad emotion to myself. I never fully reveal all my sad emotion to anyone. I feel like I am carrying all the burden myself. At some point, I do believe nobody actually like or love me and some just care for me not because they love me but because of responsibility to love me and empathy towards me. My own family members also once told me that if I wasn't their daughter, they will leave me to rot. So I know that its because of responsibility not willingness to love me.
The second is guilt; number 4. My type of guilt is unresolved guilt. I believe that my feelings left behind when I have not fully apologized for a person. When I was doing my event, everyone expect me to perform the best. They expect me to excel but I didn't. I feel like I let them down. I feel like I owe them. I didn't perform my task well. There were event committees who yelled, scolded and even cry because of me. All this makes me feel so worthless. I can't be the person they expect. Even my event adviser told me why I do such a horrible job. When I didn't get high score, she ask me why didn't I study harder so we can raise the EV name. All this was on my shoulders. The guilt I felt is too much.
The third is rumination. Rumination is going over and over the unpleasant or disappointing experience in life. I made a mistake and didn't score so well in my exam and I made a mistake that I overpower my team. Sorry but its too late to be sorry. Both post-mortem of my event is always replaying my head. All the shouting, the scolding , the crying, the blame keeps repeating in my head. I can't stop it. I just feel so helpless cause I can't turn back time.
The fourth is failure. I am a failure. Failure to my family for not being chinese educated, all the things have to be pass to my brother. Failure as a student, can't score well and didn't bring EV name and pride up. Failure as a friend, make them cry and so concern for me. Failure in doing event, I feel that if I am not there, the event maybe more successful. Failure to all. I am a failure and I dream to be one of the greats. Pathetic dream. I fall below rubbish. Even rubbish have more value than me.
The last one is low self- esteem. After these few weeks, I question my worth. I am worth less than rubbish. I am so useless. Whenever I walk at the corridor of the university, I feel like I am the ugliest, the dumbest and even the most useless. I am so worthless and I like want to disappear from the world. I shouldn't be born. Maybe somebody should replace my life. Maybe they will do a better life than me.
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