Fault in our stars!!! T.T

    OMG!!! Its been so long for me to watch a romantic film in the cinema. The first thing I went back is to watch Fault in Our Stars. There were times that tears were held back, laughter was uncontrollable but my emotions was rollercoast-ing with the plot. I love Augustus Waters. He is the perfect guy in the world. Though he don't look the most handsome but his heart is what matters. He is so perfect. He is willing to love a girl that can't guaranteed a forever love as the girl is also a cancer victim. The moment when they first hold their hands, I was on cloud nine while dreaming of my own Augustus Waters hehehehe.

      The movie sound playlist  starts with Ed Sheeran "All of the Stars" is the best. I can't stop listening to it. When the first time I saw a romantic film after so long, I continue on my romantic movie marathon. I can't wait for my own love journey hahaha. I love this kind of romantic movie!!! It always show that love is hard to find but when you grab it hold on to it. I love the qoute from this movie and the qoute is definitely credited to the brilliant author of John Green !

     "There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful" 

      I nearly cried when Hazel said this!! PS: I love how Augustus Waters call Hazel Grace. Its just something sexy about it !! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! You earn a fan girl here...

The animals I have

      What are the animals I have around me?? I have a gorilla that is super smart and a monkey that says the right words at the right time. Yesterday, my morning begins like this. It all started because I was being my annoying self by disturbing people during the holidays and a good friend finally couldn't take it and she said I was annoying. I didn't expect her to be so frank to me and it kinda broke my heart. I thought about her sentence for the whole night and wonder why was i such a bane to everyone. I was quite upset and I kinda hate myself.

      My family and I went to repair my computer and then my animals called. I call my high school friend animals because our group name was the zoo. We were the noisiest, the loudest, the most crazy but the most   smartest group in the class. We have a gorilla, a monkey, a terrorist and finally me; the zookeeper cause I was always the one hushing them up when the teacher is nearby. They knew I was back and invited me to a baking session. When I reach there, they were gossiping about last time how wonderful for 4 of us to be schoolmates and all. Monkey said something dirty and I laugh uncontrollably. However, gorilla couldn't understand and I had to teach her what was the sex joke about. Then she told me something that I haven't heard for a while " That is why we need vanesa here!!" When I heard these words, my heart that was too lonely and too wounded before just went crazy like a small kid that first taste the sweet lollipop. I was going crazy.

    Gorilla didn't know any of my misery before so she acted like I was okay but monkey ask me how was life? I told her it was hell. She told me that is life and you just gonna keep up moving. We started to chat more while baking chocolate chip cookies, egg white cookies and chocolate muffin. I love those chatting days. Unlimited curse words, unlimited sex jokes and definitely no hard feelings words were said. Gorilla and I found an amazing spot in monkey's house that was so safe. That spot was so safe that when we were sitting under there, we felt like kids again. After all the baking, Gorilla started to mop the floor and it sounded like she wash the entire kitchen. It was so loud that me and monkey was laughing like crazy about it. Well all I could say that it was a good day spent and I love them very much. Please let this small moments to come to my life. I love these moments. And here are the things we bake, hope you guys enjoy it!!!

Prince in Disguise.

     My prince is someone who had stand by me for 6 years. He grown from a little pup to a full grown mongrel now. I love him so much. He is my dog. Today, I came back to home and the very first thing what I wanted to do is to sit next to him and tell him my problems. I normally go to him late at night when my family is sound asleep so I can talk to him.

     He was in his usual crazy pattern after I released him from the cage. He ran for awhile and then he will always sit next to me. He knows that I am depressed inside although in front of my family members I act okay. In front of my father, I act like I can handle any situation. When he told me family problem, he expect me to solve it. In front of my mother, I always joke around. But after the joke, I will always feel like my life is meaningless again. In front of my siblings, I act like a good sister. My sister hugs me every time she meets me and it breaks my heart cause I wanted to take my own life and didn't bother about her feelings. She always say how much I miss you and all the guilt build up and it will continue to increase every time she hugs me.

     I told my dog " Only in front of you, I dare to show my true colour in this house." My dog continues to chew his red ball while putting a paw to at my hand. I ask my dog why is life so hard. After hearing me, he starts to nimble on my hand. A voice came in my head saying " See my teeth look sharp and it may looks like it will bring you pain, but sometimes hard won't look hard cause I will never bite you." Then, I ask him why so I feel so lonely especially when in kampar and when you are not with me. He reacted by going under my legs. I understood what he wanted to tell me. He is telling me that don't worry if you can't see me, remember I am just close to you. I sat with him for an hour. I feel so calm sitting with him like nothing can bother him. Playing with his tail, his paw and scratching his head makes my day better. He is truly my prince in disguise

Double jeopardy

     What a day?? To have double the jeopardy on the same day just a few hours apart. Well let me explain what is double jeopardy. Double jeopardy means double the trouble. It's the raya holiday and everybody is enjoying to go back home and I am still here in kampar.

     My first jeopardy happen when my friend ask me to meet my head of dept of ev for a chat. I was thinking she was going to talk about event but then it was not that. It was about me. She knew I was on the verge of suicide and she knew I was thinking of self harm. That's funny, how did she know any of this??? Then she told me another lecturer told her this. I asked her again. Then, she said that one of my friend told that lecturer and that lecturer told her and that lecturer apparently tell in front of a few lecturers. When I heard this, I just feel betrayed. Why must that friend tell her? I feel so shameful. I feel like I can't walk in the fegt block anymore. Even my own mother don't know this cause I kept it from her. I hate the feeling of letting people know my problems especially a lecturer. After i came out from her room, I ask my friend who told her this? And he doesn't know at all and I believe him. So frustrated of this condition, I punch one of the metal pole. It was pain at first but my heart had a worse ache.

     Just after the first jeopardy, my second jeopardy came. My mom called me and she sounded like she cried for a long time. I ask her why her voice sounded like this and she said she was going to sleep. Then, I ask how was grandma. She told me that grandma was diagnosed with diabetes and the best part was that she blame me for staying with grandma for a year. She argue with me on the circumstance that  she buy soft drinks for me and I was the reason why grandma have diabetes. I hate this. Why push the stupid blame on me?? Why do this to me??? Why break my soul and the heart in it ??? I hate my life. I know life is harsh but till this extent I got blame. I became speechless after this cause I just love my grandma too much and you are telling me that I am the god damn reason she is ill.

     Sometimes I wonder if I can just die cause my soul is dying, my mind is too weak to fight with my monster. I am just a human. My friend told me those victims of the aeroplane wants to live so appreciate life. I wanted to reply her " I wish to exchange my life. I give them my life and you take mine" I am too tired for being strong. Too tired of fighting everyday..... I am suicidal but I can't die. It's a torture for me. To live with a will to die. 

Never ending lesson

     Dear life, why do you always push me ?? Is it fun to watch me breakdown and cry while knowing that I couldn't do anything. Being so helpless. I bow like 300 times to Buddha by now, but don't you think it meant anything?? Life you push me everytime down and tell me not to give up. I really try to crawl myself up. I crawl all the way back and you kick me back into the same spot where you left me. My grandma condition is getting worse and my mom continues to tell me. I couldn't bear this anymore and I told my mom 

"Why must you tell me ?? What can I do here in kampar ??" 

My mom replied me back "sorry" 

     Do you know how much guilt I felt when I saw my mom message of saying sorry. I hate myself. I couldn't do anything and I make my mom feel worse. I hate you Vanesa. What kind of ingrained daughter tells that to her mom? Only you. Now, I missed my grandma so much. I still remember the times where she holds my hand and tell me that she will be there for me from kindergarten till university. I want to be help her but what can I do? I am scare I may break down and my monster will empower me again. I don't want him to come out but I only cry in the dark where he is present. 

      Never ending lesson you give to me and you try your best to break my will to live. You fuel my monster in me. You make him come out everytime. I am so tired sometimes. Can you give me a break?? My life is not a drama, it's in reality. It's just seems like you give me never ending sadness.

Light at the end of the tunnel

     Many people told me don't worry about life. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. This light I had waited for so long but I never came to this light. I do wonder where are you light? Am I too dark that you are afraid of me? Am I too frightening that you don't dare come to me? Everyday is a war for me. Between my both conscience, my monster vs my god. Sometimes, my monster will come out and say Hi to me. But when he come to me and say hi, I shiver too much and tremble in fear.

      Monster in me, please die! I beg you!! I am on my knees begging you! Don't come to me. Don't be so persuasive to push me to the edge. You come out this afternoon after a phone call from home. My family is messed up no doubt but you come to me and it make matter worse. My counselor once ask me "what do your monster look like?" I told her that you have no face. She again ask me "What is the colour of the monster." I responded that you are black.  Do you know why my monster have no face and black in colour cause I can't see his face at all in the darkness of the tunnel where my light seems to disappear. You are black because I can't see you but I can feel your presence near me.

    Monster in me, you stayed in my heart since young and that is why I sleep with my lights on until now. I have vision of you beside me while I am sleeping in pitch blackness. The night light seems like a light at the tunnel. When you come, you teach me that the world is pitch black and full of hatred. You shown me the hatred in humanity. When I was a happy young school girl, you shown me hatred in my schoolmates who beat me up and when I go back you continue on your lesson by letting my family beat me. Its a continous cycle of beating and until I reach high school, the beating stops but the trauma in me lives. My counselor told me that these are the things pulling me back from the past. What she don't get is that the beating continues but in a different approach. Its now words that can break my fragile heart or not even a heart to begin with cause my heart was burned a long time ago. My sister complain that in school, she got bully. I wanted to tell her that I am still getting beaten down till now.

     Monster in me, I don't know why but when I am writing this blog, I can feel you are laughing deep down cause I was under your control for a long time. I tried to retaliate you but somehow at one moment you will hold me down. Don't worry monster, I will still put you in a cage cause I am somebody to many people. I will let you laugh but in vain. You will not control me anymore and if I continue this fighting you will die. No more suicidal thoughts, no more cutting, no more snapping myself for sleep. I know all this bad habits are your source of energy. I must stop this so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

   

My grandma...

     Since young, I knew love from my grandma. She was my teacher, my guardian and my inner strength. She taught me that life was about going on. Her own life was a hard life but she still smiles in front of me. She was the only person I love with my whole heart. I love her more than my own life. She took care of me since young until now. The amulet I wear was bought by her and till now I will remind myself that she is protecting me. She brings me joy and I love to be around her. Although sometimes she can be quite a nag but she does this for me. I miss the times I slept with her. On the last night I slept with her, I cry silently the whole night cause of the fear in me that this will be the last. I also hope this will not be the last night. I keep a chinese ointment near me and it smell like her because she always uses it.

    I hate myself. Why can't I be more filial to her? Why can't I call her every week. I rarely call her after I come to Kampar. I was so busy with my studies and events that I sometime ignore her call. I hate myself. She call me just now about 5 hours ago and she talk to me and told me that her leg condition was getting worse. Her leg was so pain that she couldn't walk. She even told me a joke that tomorrow she need to go the doctor and have 3 body guard surrounding her tomorrow. After the call, my mom told me that my grandma told me that my grandma says that she miss my voice. After hearing that, I am filled with guilt. I hate myself.

    I can't believe that I never thought of my grandma all this while. All the time I was thinking of committing suicide, I was neglecting her feeling. If I would have commit suicide, my grandma will be the first to be sad and I think my mom will not dare to break this news to her. Why am I so selfish? All the guilt is now in my heart. I didn't think of her. Please god, wherever you are no matter in what form. Please help her!! I am willing to sacrifice for her. Don't hurt a good soul. Don't help me, I am just another broken soul that deserve pain as I just nearly hurt my grandma heart. The pain from my heart is fuelling my monster and its exhausting my soul. Why god you keep testing me? First is my studies, then my events, then is my friends suicidal action then now is my grandma? I hate you sometimes for testing me for so long. I am tired. I can't keep up being happy anymore...

The best scolding I got

      Have you seen in movies or dramas when a person change his or her ways after getting scolding from a character in the movie? Well you can say that the same situation practically happen to me last night. I was used to be my whining self, thinking of the past and not letting go of the past grudges. My housemate had enough and she scolded me. 

  

    When she screwed me, she scold the part of me who wants to fight the demon in me on being too weak. The warrior side of me was awaken. When that side of me awaken, I cried in front of her. It's unusual for me to cry in front of somebody but yesterday I did and it was bad. My housemate told me that she can imagine how bad I cry when I am alone. She told me to stop this madness and I can do it cause she had done it. She told me that she used to cry every night too and she stop and realized it was stupid to cry every night. She told me that I can do it. She say the world will be cruel but as long as you are not then your own soul can cope with it. 

 

      After hearing her, I stopped crying for a few seconds and I look at her and she suddenly ask me whether I want chocolate or not. I was so surprised that she was willing to give me chocolate after scolding me. But then I realize that after every bad thing, a good thing will happen. After she scold me, she gave me a chocolate. 

     Later, she gave me a sticker that says "I am your bandage." She told me that now she gives this to me but after I recover, I must give it to another person and heal that person wound like how she heal mine. I couldn't sleep later thinking on how foolish I was back then to dwell in the past.

Monster in me

     Monster in me, why are you becoming stronger day by day? Why do I feel like I am too weak against you? You come out when I am alone with nobody to help me defend you. Monster in me why do you make me breakdown and cry every night. Why you make me hate myself so mush for being a failure? Monster in me, I hate you. You drain all my energy. You broke my spirit and everything in my soul. Sometimes, I wish you can stop whispering to me and haunting me in my dreams. Your whisper is too much for me to handle. You always tell me how pathetic I am, how I failed, how I am another worthless piece of garbage. Monster in me, I can see you very clear now, sitting at one corner of my room telling me to harm myself. Sometimes, I listen to you. I snap myself using a rubber band till my arm is too pain to move. Sometimes, you make me question my life. I feel like you ask me to kill myself since I am not worth it. 

      Monster in me, can you go away? I don't want to live with you. I can feel you are gaining control of my life. You are controlling my life. Someone ask me " If you could take your own life without pain, without harming your friend and family, would you do it ? " I told that person no directly but monster in me you keep whispering to me "YES." I thought of this question and I can feel you controlling my mind. You are telling me " Little girl, little girl, you don't have to suffer with me around. Just kill yourself and I will die together with you. At least there is one less failure in this world and you are making the world a better place."

I don't know!!!!

     I hate the damn feeling of not knowing how to do things!! I hate it when I don't know how to solve the problem or when my answer is wrong. I can't fucking believe to solve one equation, I took like 1 hour to solve it. Why can't I do this easily? Why can't I understand it? I hate this feeling! I feel like a failure every single fucking time I can't solve it.

     Who ask me to take engineering course? Fucking problems that sometimes even the damn textbook is wrong. So pissed off on why can't I solved it. The mid term is coming in 2 weeks and I cant even get passed the second chapter. I don't want to get B again. I want to get 4.0 and I know I put such pressure on myself and I don't want to fail. I have no time. I feel like time is laughing at me and racing with me. I can't do the question at all.

     My assignment is coming and due. They are coming and killing my time again. I can't even relax for 1 hour as I need to study. I can't study as my head is about to explode. All I can do is sit at one corner and cry. I fucking cry for like 3 times today because I can't solve the problem and I am not able to as I can't even read the damn book. My friends ask me to sleep but I already sleep very long and I can't do the questions. I don't want to be a failure. I had enough failures in my life. One more failure would push me to the edge. One more failure might just end my life. I hate my life.

     People ask me to think that tomorrow is a new day but I cry when I reach a new day because I am too fucked up. I can't think straight. If I had my blade, I might feel like I can control my emotion. I can choose whether I should live or not but even that I don't have. All I can do is live another miserable day. I hate you life. You always pull my hand when I fall down and release it before I stand up and I fall the second time. Its 2.50am and all I need is sleep but my mind is running crazy on how much things should I do. Can you just fucking kill me? If anyone crash me with a car, I will thank him or her the next life. 

Funny Life Indeed!!

     Well, I had downs and ups this few weeks but I do love the funny things in my life. How small it is but I do remember its moment and laugh once in a while. I know its my fault for remembering only the sad part of my life. Up to a point where all I can think is the pain from my heart. Up to a point where I believe my life deserve pain that is why I snap myself and cry myself to sleep.

     My friends always tell me cheer up the world ain't that bad. But sometimes, you feel like your world is crashing down. Every single night I lose my battle to depression, I cry for no good reason and my heartache worsen day by day. My friend suggested me to see a real doctor not a counselor for this problem. But the thing is that I don't want my family to know about this. My family don't deserve such pain from me. I hate the feeling of sharing my pain to others. Thisf pain is mine and I should carry it. There was a quote saying " you are not Atlas, you are not suppose to carry such weight on you" but I feel like that quote is totally not applicable in my life. For I was born to help mankind as it is in my name. This burden is too heavy on me. Everybody put such a high expectation on me. This higher the expectation they have, the more pressure is exerted on me. I am just a human made of skin and bones not a cooking pressure pot.

     I hate the idea that I need to show a good example to my siblings, need to score the highest in exam, need to be the support to my family and need to be the one who excels in life. I hate it when people call me the pro, the clever bunch or worse sifu. I hate the damn idea of people putting such a high expectation on me and whenever I fail, I fall hard to the ground. My body could feel the impact and my heart would literally come out of my body. The funny part of all is that I need to stitch this heart back into my body and act like I never was hurt by putting a happy mask to everyone.

     Why is life so funny? Can't you give me a break? Can't you let me breath just a second? I want to somebody else, not the person who everybody put their hopes on. My body can't take it. My soul is crumbling. Everyday, my life is a joke waiting for people to laugh. How can you put so much hope on a broken person like me. I don't even love myself. When somebody ask me whether can I be friends with myself, I hesitated. I can't even be friends with myself. Its funny when you think about it. Not being friends with yourself. Funny life indeed!

Decisions!!

     What is life without the decision to make it? Great! Choices and decision again in my life. I am always face with choices that must make sacrifice. The situation is that I wanted to be an exco for a society. I choose FA Society since last year. I really bust my balls to be one of the exco cause I know it will help me get closer to my dream. Since last year till now, I already organize 2 events under this society. The first event was great and I learnt a lot from the first event but whats troubling me is the second event. The second event was an event I poured my heart and  soul to it and what return to me is feelings of sadness, unappreciated and being a failure.

     I am crying every night and drawing my hand with red marker pen to feel like I am cutting myself. I feel so sad every night. I feel like I failed the whole world and I should disappear. But the thing is that now FA society is now having its Annual General Meeting. I heard a rumor, they want me to be their exco. Finally my wish came true. All my hard work paid off but because of them also I am suffering in silent like this. I don't know what should I do?  To give up on my dream and recover or continue suffer but my dream not lost.

    I beg my friend to choose it for me but all of them say that this is my life so I should choose it. One of my friend told me that when you want to get something, you should sacrifice something. After I saw that, tears came down from my eyes. I dont want to sacrifice. I know its greedy but I hate to sacrifice. Then another friend of mine told me "Choose the road that will make you regret less and cry less". I finally got to my conscience and chose the road that will abandon my dream to be an exco cause it will make me happier and regret less. I no need cry so long every night and think of killing myself if I am not in par with my expectation to be one of the greats.

If she can, I can !

    Well, depression is clouding me and making me cry every single night. I cry until I am exhausted and then I can only sleep. If not I can't sleep. My hands keeps on shaking no matter what I do. Yesterday night was the same things again. Couldn't sleep, feeling sad, cry then sleep. But before I sleep, I saw a video on Youtube that reveals why Demi Lovato, a singer and actress from Disney cuts herself. Without hesitation, I open this video and watch it. She reveal because she had a eating disorder due to bullying then she started to self- harm. She went for treatment many years later, only she became better and stop self- harming. She said the reason why she wants to stop self- harming is to show a good example to the younger sister.

     I also want to be like her. Not a world class singer or actress but a person who saves herself for her sister. I want to be a good example to my sister. My sister is the only one who can pull me back to the happy world. Someone who can show me that the world is not that awful, not that bad. Whenever, I came back, she will be the first one to hug me and say how much she miss me. If I self harm or leave this world, it will never be fair for her.

    So, I want to be like Demi Lovato. I want to save myself. I want to be better. I want to kick out depression and anxiety disorder from my life. Although every single fucking time I dream, there is someone scolding me for the mistakes I did in an event. Every morning, I woke up crying because there is someone scolding me. Last dream, I dreamt my coursemate scold me for doing an event that bring shames to the EV students and the one before I dreamt that my ex-committee was scolding me for not doing a good job. But I must try to get over this cause its consuming me. Its taking my life away from me. 

Why can't I

Why can't I keep it to myself? All my problem why can I keep it to myself. Idiot me I have been keeping all this while, why blab out to other people now?

    Ever since primary school when you were spit on, called names, discriminated for being one of the boys, you kept it to yourself. You never told your family about the abuses when you were in school. Even when my family gives me pressure when I was young and got caned in the family, you don't tell to other. There was once you told to your extended family about this problem and you were pinched by your so called guardian until your thighs were blue black and then caned till the rotan broke to half at the legs. You learn to keep it to yourself from then. Why can't you be like your younger self?

     You were a loner, a person with no friends when you reach secondary school. You always wonder why people have friends and why you are all alone. You tried to approach some but because of your temper you learn from home, you were distant by others. You just go back and cry in the toilet and blame the shampoo if your mom notices. Why can't you be like that?

     But now, just events' problem and studies, you cant stand it. Where is that safe in your heart? Why can't you keep more. Don't talk to me when you can't keep it to yourself!! You are a failure and weaker than when you are younger. Why can't you just keep to yourself? Why can't you just suffer alone? You have been god damning doing it for almost 19 years now. There is no excuse you can't keep it to yourself. Just cry when you go back. Why tell?

    I understand what was my voice in my brain telling me. I should keep it to myself and maybe just reveal to the counselor as I already started on counselling. If I getting panic attack, I will keep it to myself. I have no right to share my problems with others, they also feel stress. Why put such a burden on them when you are suppose to hold the burden. Remember this !!