Never ending lesson

     Dear life, why do you always push me ?? Is it fun to watch me breakdown and cry while knowing that I couldn't do anything. Being so helpless. I bow like 300 times to Buddha by now, but don't you think it meant anything?? Life you push me everytime down and tell me not to give up. I really try to crawl myself up. I crawl all the way back and you kick me back into the same spot where you left me. My grandma condition is getting worse and my mom continues to tell me. I couldn't bear this anymore and I told my mom 

"Why must you tell me ?? What can I do here in kampar ??" 

My mom replied me back "sorry" 

     Do you know how much guilt I felt when I saw my mom message of saying sorry. I hate myself. I couldn't do anything and I make my mom feel worse. I hate you Vanesa. What kind of ingrained daughter tells that to her mom? Only you. Now, I missed my grandma so much. I still remember the times where she holds my hand and tell me that she will be there for me from kindergarten till university. I want to be help her but what can I do? I am scare I may break down and my monster will empower me again. I don't want him to come out but I only cry in the dark where he is present. 

      Never ending lesson you give to me and you try your best to break my will to live. You fuel my monster in me. You make him come out everytime. I am so tired sometimes. Can you give me a break?? My life is not a drama, it's in reality. It's just seems like you give me never ending sadness.