Well, I had downs and ups this few weeks but I do love the funny things in my life. How small it is but I do remember its moment and laugh once in a while. I know its my fault for remembering only the sad part of my life. Up to a point where all I can think is the pain from my heart. Up to a point where I believe my life deserve pain that is why I snap myself and cry myself to sleep.
My friends always tell me cheer up the world ain't that bad. But sometimes, you feel like your world is crashing down. Every single night I lose my battle to depression, I cry for no good reason and my heartache worsen day by day. My friend suggested me to see a real doctor not a counselor for this problem. But the thing is that I don't want my family to know about this. My family don't deserve such pain from me. I hate the feeling of sharing my pain to others. Thisf pain is mine and I should carry it. There was a quote saying " you are not Atlas, you are not suppose to carry such weight on you" but I feel like that quote is totally not applicable in my life. For I was born to help mankind as it is in my name. This burden is too heavy on me. Everybody put such a high expectation on me. This higher the expectation they have, the more pressure is exerted on me. I am just a human made of skin and bones not a cooking pressure pot.
I hate the idea that I need to show a good example to my siblings, need to score the highest in exam, need to be the support to my family and need to be the one who excels in life. I hate it when people call me the pro, the clever bunch or worse sifu. I hate the damn idea of people putting such a high expectation on me and whenever I fail, I fall hard to the ground. My body could feel the impact and my heart would literally come out of my body. The funny part of all is that I need to stitch this heart back into my body and act like I never was hurt by putting a happy mask to everyone.
Why is life so funny? Can't you give me a break? Can't you let me breath just a second? I want to somebody else, not the person who everybody put their hopes on. My body can't take it. My soul is crumbling. Everyday, my life is a joke waiting for people to laugh. How can you put so much hope on a broken person like me. I don't even love myself. When somebody ask me whether can I be friends with myself, I hesitated. I can't even be friends with myself. Its funny when you think about it. Not being friends with yourself. Funny life indeed!
My friends always tell me cheer up the world ain't that bad. But sometimes, you feel like your world is crashing down. Every single night I lose my battle to depression, I cry for no good reason and my heartache worsen day by day. My friend suggested me to see a real doctor not a counselor for this problem. But the thing is that I don't want my family to know about this. My family don't deserve such pain from me. I hate the feeling of sharing my pain to others. Thisf pain is mine and I should carry it. There was a quote saying " you are not Atlas, you are not suppose to carry such weight on you" but I feel like that quote is totally not applicable in my life. For I was born to help mankind as it is in my name. This burden is too heavy on me. Everybody put such a high expectation on me. This higher the expectation they have, the more pressure is exerted on me. I am just a human made of skin and bones not a cooking pressure pot.
I hate the idea that I need to show a good example to my siblings, need to score the highest in exam, need to be the support to my family and need to be the one who excels in life. I hate it when people call me the pro, the clever bunch or worse sifu. I hate the damn idea of people putting such a high expectation on me and whenever I fail, I fall hard to the ground. My body could feel the impact and my heart would literally come out of my body. The funny part of all is that I need to stitch this heart back into my body and act like I never was hurt by putting a happy mask to everyone.
Why is life so funny? Can't you give me a break? Can't you let me breath just a second? I want to somebody else, not the person who everybody put their hopes on. My body can't take it. My soul is crumbling. Everyday, my life is a joke waiting for people to laugh. How can you put so much hope on a broken person like me. I don't even love myself. When somebody ask me whether can I be friends with myself, I hesitated. I can't even be friends with myself. Its funny when you think about it. Not being friends with yourself. Funny life indeed!
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