Double jeopardy

     What a day?? To have double the jeopardy on the same day just a few hours apart. Well let me explain what is double jeopardy. Double jeopardy means double the trouble. It's the raya holiday and everybody is enjoying to go back home and I am still here in kampar.

     My first jeopardy happen when my friend ask me to meet my head of dept of ev for a chat. I was thinking she was going to talk about event but then it was not that. It was about me. She knew I was on the verge of suicide and she knew I was thinking of self harm. That's funny, how did she know any of this??? Then she told me another lecturer told her this. I asked her again. Then, she said that one of my friend told that lecturer and that lecturer told her and that lecturer apparently tell in front of a few lecturers. When I heard this, I just feel betrayed. Why must that friend tell her? I feel so shameful. I feel like I can't walk in the fegt block anymore. Even my own mother don't know this cause I kept it from her. I hate the feeling of letting people know my problems especially a lecturer. After i came out from her room, I ask my friend who told her this? And he doesn't know at all and I believe him. So frustrated of this condition, I punch one of the metal pole. It was pain at first but my heart had a worse ache.

     Just after the first jeopardy, my second jeopardy came. My mom called me and she sounded like she cried for a long time. I ask her why her voice sounded like this and she said she was going to sleep. Then, I ask how was grandma. She told me that grandma was diagnosed with diabetes and the best part was that she blame me for staying with grandma for a year. She argue with me on the circumstance that  she buy soft drinks for me and I was the reason why grandma have diabetes. I hate this. Why push the stupid blame on me?? Why do this to me??? Why break my soul and the heart in it ??? I hate my life. I know life is harsh but till this extent I got blame. I became speechless after this cause I just love my grandma too much and you are telling me that I am the god damn reason she is ill.

     Sometimes I wonder if I can just die cause my soul is dying, my mind is too weak to fight with my monster. I am just a human. My friend told me those victims of the aeroplane wants to live so appreciate life. I wanted to reply her " I wish to exchange my life. I give them my life and you take mine" I am too tired for being strong. Too tired of fighting everyday..... I am suicidal but I can't die. It's a torture for me. To live with a will to die.