Many people told me don't worry about life. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. This light I had waited for so long but I never came to this light. I do wonder where are you light? Am I too dark that you are afraid of me? Am I too frightening that you don't dare come to me? Everyday is a war for me. Between my both conscience, my monster vs my god. Sometimes, my monster will come out and say Hi to me. But when he come to me and say hi, I shiver too much and tremble in fear.
Monster in me, please die! I beg you!! I am on my knees begging you! Don't come to me. Don't be so persuasive to push me to the edge. You come out this afternoon after a phone call from home. My family is messed up no doubt but you come to me and it make matter worse. My counselor once ask me "what do your monster look like?" I told her that you have no face. She again ask me "What is the colour of the monster." I responded that you are black. Do you know why my monster have no face and black in colour cause I can't see his face at all in the darkness of the tunnel where my light seems to disappear. You are black because I can't see you but I can feel your presence near me.
Monster in me, you stayed in my heart since young and that is why I sleep with my lights on until now. I have vision of you beside me while I am sleeping in pitch blackness. The night light seems like a light at the tunnel. When you come, you teach me that the world is pitch black and full of hatred. You shown me the hatred in humanity. When I was a happy young school girl, you shown me hatred in my schoolmates who beat me up and when I go back you continue on your lesson by letting my family beat me. Its a continous cycle of beating and until I reach high school, the beating stops but the trauma in me lives. My counselor told me that these are the things pulling me back from the past. What she don't get is that the beating continues but in a different approach. Its now words that can break my fragile heart or not even a heart to begin with cause my heart was burned a long time ago. My sister complain that in school, she got bully. I wanted to tell her that I am still getting beaten down till now.
Monster in me, I don't know why but when I am writing this blog, I can feel you are laughing deep down cause I was under your control for a long time. I tried to retaliate you but somehow at one moment you will hold me down. Don't worry monster, I will still put you in a cage cause I am somebody to many people. I will let you laugh but in vain. You will not control me anymore and if I continue this fighting you will die. No more suicidal thoughts, no more cutting, no more snapping myself for sleep. I know all this bad habits are your source of energy. I must stop this so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Monster in me, please die! I beg you!! I am on my knees begging you! Don't come to me. Don't be so persuasive to push me to the edge. You come out this afternoon after a phone call from home. My family is messed up no doubt but you come to me and it make matter worse. My counselor once ask me "what do your monster look like?" I told her that you have no face. She again ask me "What is the colour of the monster." I responded that you are black. Do you know why my monster have no face and black in colour cause I can't see his face at all in the darkness of the tunnel where my light seems to disappear. You are black because I can't see you but I can feel your presence near me.
Monster in me, you stayed in my heart since young and that is why I sleep with my lights on until now. I have vision of you beside me while I am sleeping in pitch blackness. The night light seems like a light at the tunnel. When you come, you teach me that the world is pitch black and full of hatred. You shown me the hatred in humanity. When I was a happy young school girl, you shown me hatred in my schoolmates who beat me up and when I go back you continue on your lesson by letting my family beat me. Its a continous cycle of beating and until I reach high school, the beating stops but the trauma in me lives. My counselor told me that these are the things pulling me back from the past. What she don't get is that the beating continues but in a different approach. Its now words that can break my fragile heart or not even a heart to begin with cause my heart was burned a long time ago. My sister complain that in school, she got bully. I wanted to tell her that I am still getting beaten down till now.
Monster in me, I don't know why but when I am writing this blog, I can feel you are laughing deep down cause I was under your control for a long time. I tried to retaliate you but somehow at one moment you will hold me down. Don't worry monster, I will still put you in a cage cause I am somebody to many people. I will let you laugh but in vain. You will not control me anymore and if I continue this fighting you will die. No more suicidal thoughts, no more cutting, no more snapping myself for sleep. I know all this bad habits are your source of energy. I must stop this so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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