Since young, I knew love from my grandma. She was my teacher, my guardian and my inner strength. She taught me that life was about going on. Her own life was a hard life but she still smiles in front of me. She was the only person I love with my whole heart. I love her more than my own life. She took care of me since young until now. The amulet I wear was bought by her and till now I will remind myself that she is protecting me. She brings me joy and I love to be around her. Although sometimes she can be quite a nag but she does this for me. I miss the times I slept with her. On the last night I slept with her, I cry silently the whole night cause of the fear in me that this will be the last. I also hope this will not be the last night. I keep a chinese ointment near me and it smell like her because she always uses it.
I hate myself. Why can't I be more filial to her? Why can't I call her every week. I rarely call her after I come to Kampar. I was so busy with my studies and events that I sometime ignore her call. I hate myself. She call me just now about 5 hours ago and she talk to me and told me that her leg condition was getting worse. Her leg was so pain that she couldn't walk. She even told me a joke that tomorrow she need to go the doctor and have 3 body guard surrounding her tomorrow. After the call, my mom told me that my grandma told me that my grandma says that she miss my voice. After hearing that, I am filled with guilt. I hate myself.
I can't believe that I never thought of my grandma all this while. All the time I was thinking of committing suicide, I was neglecting her feeling. If I would have commit suicide, my grandma will be the first to be sad and I think my mom will not dare to break this news to her. Why am I so selfish? All the guilt is now in my heart. I didn't think of her. Please god, wherever you are no matter in what form. Please help her!! I am willing to sacrifice for her. Don't hurt a good soul. Don't help me, I am just another broken soul that deserve pain as I just nearly hurt my grandma heart. The pain from my heart is fuelling my monster and its exhausting my soul. Why god you keep testing me? First is my studies, then my events, then is my friends suicidal action then now is my grandma? I hate you sometimes for testing me for so long. I am tired. I can't keep up being happy anymore...
I hate myself. Why can't I be more filial to her? Why can't I call her every week. I rarely call her after I come to Kampar. I was so busy with my studies and events that I sometime ignore her call. I hate myself. She call me just now about 5 hours ago and she talk to me and told me that her leg condition was getting worse. Her leg was so pain that she couldn't walk. She even told me a joke that tomorrow she need to go the doctor and have 3 body guard surrounding her tomorrow. After the call, my mom told me that my grandma told me that my grandma says that she miss my voice. After hearing that, I am filled with guilt. I hate myself.
I can't believe that I never thought of my grandma all this while. All the time I was thinking of committing suicide, I was neglecting her feeling. If I would have commit suicide, my grandma will be the first to be sad and I think my mom will not dare to break this news to her. Why am I so selfish? All the guilt is now in my heart. I didn't think of her. Please god, wherever you are no matter in what form. Please help her!! I am willing to sacrifice for her. Don't hurt a good soul. Don't help me, I am just another broken soul that deserve pain as I just nearly hurt my grandma heart. The pain from my heart is fuelling my monster and its exhausting my soul. Why god you keep testing me? First is my studies, then my events, then is my friends suicidal action then now is my grandma? I hate you sometimes for testing me for so long. I am tired. I can't keep up being happy anymore...
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