The gun

     Well, I am here again posting before my final exam finally finishes. OMG I slack off for 4 whole days and did completely nothing but glee and movies. There was an episode on glee that was about school shooting. All the characters were so afraid that that time as it might be the last time they will be meeting each other. The tension of the episode was so high that you starts to wonder what if something like this happen to you. You are attending in a class with friends, enemies and people who you don't pay attention to and suddenly you hear gun shots. You saw somebody holding a gun and is trying to open the class doors. What would you do?

    For me, I think I will try to hide my fears first then maybe burst into tears as I know life is going to end. Then I thought that feeling of that scenario is what I used to feel. Scared most of the time and knowing that life is hanging by the thread. The only catch was that there is another gun at your hand and you know you can end this once and for all.

  If anyone wanna understand why some people can't get over it, try imagine you in that situation where you are stuck during a school shooting and the gun is in your hand. You may think you have a chance to shoot the shooter but the fear is too overwhelming that you wouldn't think of that. Instead you will think of ending your life. That's the feeling that you feel when you think that the shooter or your demons is stronger than you. You don't think you can overcome it or whatever gender it is especially when you are all alone in the class and not knowing that there are other people around you.

    The fear is the one that test our courage. Courage is never attainable but its tested again and again until you take your last breath on earth and enter to another state. If you have the courage to just shoot the shooter or that demon haunting you, you will have no such fears. You will be better and live a happier life without fear although its ghost will come back and haunt you again after the shooting. 

Shake it off

   No, I am not meaning the Taylor Swift new song but the glee version of the song. I love that song since I was young but I couldn't understand it until last night when I watch back the glee episodes. I finally understand what is the meaning of shaking off the devil in me. I love the lyrics. It meaningful in every way and in every verse. Especially this part:

Every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always the darkest before the dawn

and

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and restart

    The message of the song is that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that its always the darkest before dawn and if you think you have no heart or  a cold heart, do remember that you can restart it. I just love the way this song sings to me. Because of this song, I went for a jog in the park so I can restart my broken shattered heart. When I was jogging, the song of Fort Minor; Remember the Name just popped and sing to me. I will always remember the verse that says:

Its 10% luck, 20% skill, 10% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure and 50% pain and 100% to remember the name. I must motivate myself to pass through this stage of life in that's the last thing I do in this life.

Parasitic Friendship

     Today I feel like writing about friendship because I would like to tell people on my friendship with other people. There are some success story but there are some that failed.  I love my friends. I do give them more than I give myself. I sacrifice for them if I was asked to. But sometimes, not everybody are willing to sacrifice for you or even give a comforting word when you are willing to cut your own heart for them. I had a friendship that would suck my happiness out from me. I knew that this friendship is going to be a parasitic relationship and I am the host.

      I hate myself for being the host every time. They can do anything to me. Ignore me, scold me for the flaws I have, backstab me or worse just use me and after using me I am trash to them. I know I have flaws but why must you comment on my flaws every time. Why must you do this to me? Did I not treat you well? I encourage you by your side although I know you will scold me in the process and blame me for everything that happen to you.

      As a friend, why do you discriminate me when I get good result. You should be happy for me not say me when I tell you I get high marks. You should be understanding that I didn't receive chinese education when I was young,  not discriminate me and say that my actions of not taking chinese in examination is naive and not helping the Chinese community. I hate myself when you say things like this. I tried and pretend to act like nothing when you step all over me but you will show me all your faces to me especially when you are angry with me. I hate you but I hate myself more.

     Thankfully, you are not my only friend. When you exit from my life, that will be the end. I don't want to be the host anymore. I don't want to suffer every time I am with you or feel like crap every time. Whenever you are with me, my inner demon laugh more and harder as he will use your words and actions to me. Every time you say me, my demon uses this words to me when the night start to fall. I hope I would not find someone like you anymore, I had enough of this friendship and I can't bear with it anymore. Sorry for being so ruthless but I really can't take this anymore. 

Best test game ever

     Gosh, today I woke up with the most killing and aching back. I needed to apply analgesic cream all over my body and I slept for 16 hours. Its not the tiredness that I want to complain here but the worth of all this.

     Yesterday, I had my test game for my camp program. I love the epicness of the games. Although there are still many thing to improve but be sure that I enjoyed it. I couldn't believe that I could carry my friend that weighs around 48 kg all around the field for a game. I even carry another 52kg girl with the help of my friend. There is a blindfold game that I needed to find my teammates. This game is quite scary but its super nice because I need to find the boys first. The boys in my team is super funny. They keep yelling. There was another funny part that the boy gave wrong direction and the other person couldn't find him. Hahahaha. I love such things. That is why I continue to join events.

     Study can't give me such things. Only events. I really admire my leader. He really kept it professional. Thank you so much and for the ride. I know after the test game activities, you must be tired but thank you for fetching us back home. 

Light at the end of the Tunnel

     My friend once told me that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, if you can't see the light you have traveled enough yet. I do sometimes doubt her theory but I finally understand it. This past few days, my good and "best friend" came and haunt me this few days. I can't eat and sleep properly. Its mainly because of a lecturer that pushes me too far. I am not sure is it she has high hopes on me or not but every time I meet her, she gives the vibe to me that I need to do better. No matter how high I got, she wants the perfect one. In a nutshell, she is great but she does push me too far till my inner demon started to come out and haunting me a few nights,

      But like what my friend say, there will a light at the end of the tunnel. I saw this great facebook features that promote friendship. I went and click into it and omg the memories just flood into me. I remember all the say details of what happen in that picture but I forgot the message over the years. There was a few inspiring words that my friend had sent to me over the years, Ex:

1. Remember our promise to get be the top ten most successful people in the country.

2. They have Einstein, Archimedes and Barack Obama but I have you

I love these quotes and somehow my inner demon disappear after I teared up after seeing the video. I can't give up. I made too much promise to many people. I need to fulfill the promise. YEA!!! 

Christmas around the Air

     I know you guys must be thinking I am some what crazy? Christmas around the Air when we are now at November. There is still a month to go. I used to love Christmas although I am not a christian. My family do celebrate them and the gifts I get is like the best of all. Although it doesn't value that much in term of money, its the thought that count. I used to love coming back from a Christmas party and open up my presents. Sometimes I will get the funniest things and laugh with my family. I used to ask my parents why don't we have a chimney for Santa Claus to come down.

     Its been a tiring semester to tell you the truth. I feel super duper tired that I actually slept at 8pm and woke up at 3am to do my studies or event things. But the renowned feeling in me after going to  a Christmas event is going to move me the entire semester. I love that I actually get to pretend to be a lady for once. For the first time, I wore a dress to UTAR and ball dance with great friends. I love that I dance with them.

    The day would be just perfect if my friend get to dance with a teacher she had a crush on for so long. Unfortunately the teacher rejected her. If she could dance with the teacher, I will feel so damn happy. I could feel her sadness when she got rejected in front of 520 people and people who known her. I tried to hug her but I know that she will need time and great company. Well, I hope you can get to dance with him one day. I love the way they portrayed that sometimes the most important things you need in life wont look that important now. It may look as small as pebble but that pebble can help you in the future. 

Craziest people I ever meet

     There is some part in your life where you will meet the quirkiest, craziest and just blown away friends. I met them in my program team for my new camp. At first, I thought they are just okay but who would know that they are so freaking crazy. Whenever we are at a meeting, we laugh like baboons. We have the same thinking. We even hate the same person in the committee. We are the fun bunch. If you can't imagine the fun we had, try imagine that one of them actually moan in the car when we are travelling. Like super loud moaning and call our names in his moan. hahahahaha. In this team, we actually have a mama, a boss and two of us. 4 of us make a team hahaha. Its weird that sometimes when you need such entertainment in your life, they come to you. 

     I will always remember that there will be more crazy people I want to meet. I want to find more true friends that will love me for the way I am. I will never give up hahaha. Its just in a matter of time that such people will leave a memory for me. When you feel good, the universe will give you good feeling. Never say bad about people cause one day they might be your greatest help in life. I learned that mistake often but I still makes them. It okay! I am learning as a human being. I will just try to lessen it. 

Somewhere I belong

     The song somewhere I belong from linkin park is one of the best song ever sung by linkin park. The feelings and lyrics delivered is full of impact. It makes me wonder where do I belong to. What group? With group, you will always have the drama. For example, people say I am super chatty and extrovert. Do I belong there? Nope! I also do love my alone time. My time with just music banging into my ears. If I do not have a time for myself, I will be fully exhausted. I still like to do things alone.

    So do I belong in introvert group? Not really!! In a week, I need to come out once with my friends. Just some contact with the outside group is great. Okay now, what about the clever student group that always demand perfection? I can say a fact that I don't really demand on perfection! I just study and get good grades. I am not those achiever that sighs when I didn't get 10/10 for a test. If I know I improved then I will be happy already. So, maybe the super cheerful group? Well for people who don't know me, they will think that I am always happy. There was once a boy who says that I look like I strike lottery everyday. But for those who knows me, they know that I have my emo episodes. I would just shut myself from the world with music. Maybe dance to it when nobody is looking. Music truly relives my soul. Any bad things or memory that happen to me will be gone when I listen to the music. Listening to the emotions and falling in love with the meaning of the song is the best morning pill.

    In fact, I don't belong to anything or any group. I belong to myself. If I do things that pleases me and makes my inner child happy like she got the first candy in her life, I am content. I know when to be chatty, when to be happy in front of people and when to shut myself from the world. I strongly don't believe that I should show any sadness to anybody. They have their own problems. I don't want to be their problem. I want to be the reason why they smile. Not the reason they frown. I love to help people cause I know the situation where you had no help. All the pressure on you and nobody to help you lift it up. The pressure will seem like a very small weight but it will build its pressure over time and you will feel the pressure ten times after awhile. People who have been down this path knows very clear that help should be given if we can. This is because without any of this help, hope seems so dark and life seem so painful. Don't go down that road. You belong to yourself. Love yourself more than anyone else cause its your life not theirs. They can just decide that one day to leave you but you can't.

The bus theory

     I have my own theory on life. Life is a bus. The moment you were born, you are on a journey. You don't know which direction should you go first? To turn right or turn left? The first few miles of the bus ride will be guided by our parents. They teach us to move in the direction that a ethical person should go. They will show us the road that is bad or good and continue to direct you though you mess up. But trust me, never let them be the driver of your bus. If you wish to make a right turn, do make it. They will not be the driver of the bus but you. If they want you to be a doctor and you know deep down you want to be a dancer. Follow where your heart direct you. Your heart is where your dreams belong to.

     Besides that, people that get in to your bus can be a great company or just the absolute worst. People that enter your bus are like associates, friends, enemies and lover. They may stay awhile in your bus or stay there till you reach your destination. Sometimes, great company may just leave along the way and you might be hurt but always remember that when people leave, others will have the chance to come in. Maybe that great company that left you will be replaced by a greater company.

     However, not a bus ride are the same. It might begin on a hard road then goes smooth or vice versa. It might be a U-turn, a roundabout or even a stop at the traffic light. No matter what or how is your ride, you all will end up to the same destination. That destination will be death. Therefore, always remember that its not the destination that count, but the ride to the destination. 

Best feeling ever !!!

     I would say that after all that I had done in my life, the feeling of knowing that you had improved is seriously the best feeling ever. The feeling that you had hit rock bottom or fall down to the face of the earth and manage to get back up is a magnificent feeling ever. I finally got back my target gpa which is 3.8. When I saw the result, I was too happy that nothing can pull me down. After all the things that happen during my last semester and to get such a great result is fantastic. I love this feeling. I do hope I can maintain this high and be a first honour graduate. Hahaha.

     Besides that, I can finally go on a trip to sabah. My high school friends invited me to go to Kinarut with them. All I will do is eat, eat and eat there. I am going to weigh heavier when I come back. The best part of all is that Kinarut is famous for seafood. My favourite. All the prawns, crab, lala, and anything from the sea is what makes my stomach roar. I can't wait to go there since its just another 2 months hehehe. Once I finished my semester then I will go with them.

     The music that I heard during the semester break is the best. Cool Kids by Echosmith is the bomb. I keep singing to it and true enough I wish to be like a cool kid. Oh yah and the another best part was that I finally finished watching American Horror story. Season 2; Asylum. I love how there idea of satan and alien is link cause I am an alien believer. Try talking to me about alien. You won't stop hearing me blabber for hours. Even for my oral presentation, I did existence of alien and got 9.5 over 10 as my lecturer believe the theory after my presentation. BOOYAh!!!! How I wish such feelings can continue and stay with me till the day I took my last breath.  

Inside Out!

     There is a new movie that I am dying to watch. But its coming out next year. OMG, I need to wait for so long to come out. Well, Pixar you done it again. You brought that little girl in me. That little girl was full of glee and all she saw was happiness when the trailer come out. From Toy Story to the most current animated movie, Wall -E. I love you Pixar. Every movie you guys animated is beautiful. They teach us the meaning of life. The struggles, the joy, the love. You guys bring me into a roller coaster of emotion when I see one of the movies especially Monster Inc.



     Well, let get back to the upcoming production which is Inside Out. The movie depicts on how our emotion works. From joy, anger, disgust, fear and sadness, Pixar manage to bring them into wonderful characters. I love the part where joy was holding the girls memories. It makes me wonder that whether my own emotion does that. Sometimes they will hold a memory and make me emotional. Well, its a theory. Inside Out is a brilliant movie and its what I am going to anticipate next year.

PS: The link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1t0A_tZGrYw

Glee!!

To be honest people, I am a gleek!! How can you hate a music club that is struggling and achieve its dream in the process. OMG, I remember how much I love Finn. RIP. I love their songs and they are the best.

Glee is the best. The whole season is about teenage drama and I know that I am no longer a teenager but I miss does drama. I used to watch glee every week and I love it more than ever. The song don't stop believing is the best. Lea Michele have the best vocal in glee. Holla!! Especially Puck !!! The baddest boy in glee oh god. My fangirl inside of me is screaming hahaha!!

Can't wait for season 6 omg omg omg !!!

Best Birthday Ever!!!

    Happy belated birthday to me !! Oh yea! I can say that life is super funny but there is one thing for sure. When you are comfortable with yourself, the people surrounding you will be attracted to the real you and not the fake you. Last birthday, I swallow my pride and change my ways to be more sociable and ended up with a not so grand birthday. Compared to this year, last year was a bit at the disadvantage.

    On my 20th birthday, I got around 4 cakes, 1 ice cream, 1 dinner for my birthday. I thankfully to those who gave me all these wonders in the world. If it wasn't for exam, I would be crying my ass off for getting such kind gestures because normally its the other side. Normally, I will be the one giving these kind gestures but never get anything in return like last year. But karma do work and what goes around come back around. I even got my first present after 3 years of no birthday present. OMG its my favourite pikachu characther. 

     When I got the pikachu, I nearly cried as for the first time someone actually care me and took notice of what I like in life. There is always a few reasons why I love pikachu.

1) Pikachu was the underdog in the whole series in the beginning but become like the main lead in the later series. I was an underdog in school for academic performance, athleticism  and society works but I try my best to learn and learn and become the best.

2) Pikachu didn't ever change although evolving to Raichu would make him look stronger but he never change himself. I don't want to change myself to look stronger. I know that I am stronger.

3) Pikachu is a great friend. There was a moment that Ash got frozen and pikachu stay by his side and cry. His tears shown his true friendship to Ash. I want to make all my friendship just like his. To stand by their side and support them whenever they in trouble!

     What a great day to have my birthday!! The moment you feel when all your problems just disappear and your friends are there to celebrate with you is the best feeling in the world. Tonight, I watch some fireworks and had the biggest joke in my life when my friend told the bus driver to masuk pagar. She pratically just ask the bus driver to go through the gated part of the hostel. If these kind of happy days can last forever, I wish it can be so happy everyday !! 

You are part of a clique

      As usual my morning starts with a cup of coffee and today I had to eat instant noodles as my bicycle is still traumatized by the accident yesterday. My morning always start with me switching the laptop on and looking at my facebook wall. My friend share a website on what kind of friend are you? I click on it and did a few quiz and I got  You are part of a clique

      Friendships are what make life so enjoyable. The friends you've got are often people you have known for a long time, who have stuck with you through thick and thin. You form a loyal little gang who protect each other and care for each other. You can be frank with each other and you know how to pull together during difficult times. Your friends keep you grounded and you're never bored when they’re around. They are affectionate and fun and there is a positive energy in the air when you spend time together. You all understand that it's the quality of the time you spend together, not the quantity, that counts. You enjoy meeting up and look forward to it when the occasion arises. You prepare for it in an almost ritualistic manner, each member of the group with their own important role. You gel together well because of mutual respect for your loyal, warm ‘second family’. Friendship is precious to you and is a vital part of your journey through life. You know that it is something to be shared, and that you must cultivate your friendships with love.

You are part of a clique was something I think I got as this totally remind me of me and my high school friends. Man I miss them. Why can't life be like this? When I am with them, I feel so alive. No hiding of my true self. I could blast each one of them without caring as they are people who knows I am not there to hurt them. Oh yea! At least I had such a friendship!!!
        

Its ups and downs

     Life sure have a funny way to tell us how we go through our ups and downs. I surely experience my ups and downs in one day which is today. Today, I could tell you that I had the most magical day but also one of the many unfortunate days in my life. Well, normally I like to hear the bad news first then the good news cause that just my way. After hearing the bad news, I will feel sad but when I heard the good news, oh boy my mood will just swing back up to happy.

     So, lets start with the sad news first. Firstly, my freaking bicycle got hit and run by a university-mate. My rim and tire got bang so hard that it actually bend. I had to pay for the full sum of the repair as the girl that bang me just ran away after I said my bicycle can't move. Thank every god in the universe that I didn't fall as I had an exam to sit that afternoon.
    The second sad news of the day is that this is my first exam paper that I didn't know what I was writing. I was completely went bonkers when I saw the paper. I could hear my course mates saying 'Fuck my life' upon opening the exam paper. The exam paper was literally a killing machine with nothing from the lecture notes and everything from your common sense.
    The third bad news today was that I found out that I was an ignorant fool who thought I was a great friend but ended up like who I did not want to be. Words spoken can not be taken back. I shouldn't be the one pulling her down or criticizing her when she is down. I thought I was helping but as usual my thoughts don't matter. I should be the one listening to her and just shut up. But I did the utmost opposite like 180 degree. Was I too stress out and I release to her? Or that I couldn't shut up for just 20 minutes. I hate this part of me thinking that I know what's best when I did the utmost worst.

    Okay done with the bad news, I am going to talk about the good news that happen to me today cause there is no point sulking but just thinking that tomorrow is going to be a better day. Well, my first good news today is that I finally understand the meaning of same mind. When your friend and you saw something sexy today and you could understand what is she trying to tell you after it. I miss this kind of moments as it used to happen to me in high school but in university it tends to lessen.           Besides that, I was happy today because I finally got a whole birthday cake today. It been 3 years I had my birthday cake. When I saw my birthday cake, I tried to resist my tears as I know the boys celebrating with me will be laughing their ass off if I cry. They prepared dinner and I finally feel so appreciated in life. They not only bought my favourite type of cake which is black forest flavour but they gave me red eggs. My mother don't even cook red eggs for me. I was so touched by their efforts.      The last good news of the day is that I had a chance to lessen my mistake. I know what I did was bad and I regret it. But there is like one chance for me to lessen my mistake and I rather do it although I had to sacrifice my beauty sleep for it cause I know at least I tried my best to lessen my mistake. Although I am not sure if I really did help her, at least I feel better than to regret like the few past days.

Life is funny sometimes but remember to crave the good memories on rocks and draw bad ones on sand as sand can be blown by the wind and disappear but good memories will be harder to go away!

Happiness~~~

     There was a quote out there that states " If you have the power to make somebody happy, do it! The world need more of this." I try my best to preach this teaching. Although some maybe in fail state but I will try my best to continue making people happy. Happiness is something so bliss that even the rich can't buy it but those who cherish the small infinities have it.

     Last week, I had the power to make somebody happy. Although it was my study week, I still become somebody's listener. He told me that he never told anyone all of these and it had burden him for a long time since young. He told me he don't know why but when he see me, he feel like telling everything to me. I could tell him no and say that i want to study my studies. But then, I had the power to reduce someone ache in their heart. In the end he told me his whole life story for 5 straight hours. 3 days later, I ask him whether he gets emotional after my chat with him. He gleefully told me "No". He said that he didn't feel emotional after I talk and listen to him. I was on paradise cloud as I helped somebody.

   Come to think of it, the feeling of helping someone surpass the feeling of getting 4.0 in exam. I mind my studies but I mind more on people happiness. However, I will still love myself so that I can spread the love to people. Besides that, I became another person listener just a few days ago. He was on the verge of depression. When I talk to him, I could feel that he was the old me. The person who sees life has no meaning and that life is always painful. I tried my best to help him. The funniest thing he told me one time was that I seem to have a light above me when I was talking to him and that he need to see me so that he will not become nervous. My face blush when he told me this. I am not an angel sent down from earth. I am a human who spend some of my time to make people happy.

     If I can make one more person happy, I will be glad. I may seem like a annoying pest who keep disturbing your life and asking for your condition but deep down I want to pull you up and hold on to you so that you will not fall to the depth of loneliness, despair and heartache. Don't worry, I can manage myself as I had seen the depth of those and I vow not to enter there again as its pitch black but I don't want you to fall. Let me help you! If you want to be alone, I am okay but please don't be alone and think that you are a failure and a waste of space on Earth for too long. Don't enter that black path! It may seem hard to jump to the light path but please if you need anything just call me and I will be your listener and your guide.  

Comet in my life

     Just last year before my year 1 semester 2 begin, I met a comet in my life. I never knew that this comet had a great influence in my life. She was the first to teach me that life is hectic especially when you are a ev student and a event committee. I had the pleasure to meet this comet.

     Like a comet leaving trails of dust along the path they travel, she left her footprint in my life. I know I can't do anything in my power to help her and how she helped me but I truly want to tell her how grateful I am to have her as a friend and as a senior.  She taught me a lot. She nearly gave up on me but she didn't. She did the most amazing thing to me which is buying a cake for my birthday as I didn't had birthday cake for the past 2 years. Its the simple things she do make me happy and glee the whole day.

However, I don't know how to tell her these in her face although I am kinda extrovert. I want her to know that she is amazing and I want to thank her so much but I don't know how.

    All I could tell her that she is amazing and she is definitely not a failure. I know that she is stressed up and she wants recovery time but when I see her so frustrated and sad, I kinda feel the same pinch as she does. But always remember my friend, you are truly the best and one of a kind. If somebody don't appreciate you, its their loss. I am happy to have my small infinities with you and I do hope you all the best in fyp presentation. You can do it because I look up to you and you never did fail in my eyes. I maybe what you call an alien in studies but when it comes to EQ, you surpass me much more. I am again truly grateful to meet a comet in my life as a comet only pass the earth every 76 years and I had the chance to meet it and it was shining bright by then.

The silent ones

     Have you notice that the silent ones in the class had most of the problems in the world but they hate to bring it all out to the world? I used to be one of the silent ones trying my best to keep my dark secrets from the world. I have always thought and taught by the society that silence is golden. But is it really golden?

     Silence is actually the most powerful scream in the world. I don't mean the kind of silence like not talking to anybody outside but in social media every 10 minutes you see a post or a tweet from them. The kind of silence I mean is hiding all the pain and frustration inside your heart and faking a smile to the world even in social media. I always tell my friends that facebook is not a confession page. Once you press the post button, everybody will know. My friend and I actually came out with a theory regarding this obsession of writing your anger, frustration and sadness on facebook. We concluded that these people are those who wants sympathy from others. They don't know what is the meaning of keeping to yourself.

    Let give a case study! Mr. Z has an obsession in Facebook to post things. Things he post in facebook are like
" I don't care if you score higher than me. I will keep this in my heart and I will not care about your result. "
and normally you can see with a hashtag " #notcareadamnthing". See the irony in it?
If you didn't care from the start why post and gloat to hundred of facebook friends you have.

    Back to the silence ones. I recently met 2 guys who used to be me. They had so much in their heart and I didn't expect that they had so much kept. I always thought they were cheerful and happy. They are the true silence ones. I tried my best to help them. Give advice to them and try to show that the world is beautiful and not a place that they should be afraid. If any of the silence ones is reading this, please remember the world is beautiful and its not a scary place. Life has its ups and downs. Sometime silence is golden but try to release some of those aches in your heart to somebody you trust. You will feel much more relieve and I believe you will find that your life will be more meaningful!

Sweet innocent child

    Just another bright day, Jane went to a field. With the grass under her slippers, cotton candy cloud above her and the wind blowing to her. It was a sunny day but it wasn't scorching hot. She walks further into the end of the field. She saw a young girl with a white top and a red skirt and red suspension over her shoulder around the age of 6 to 7 years old. It remind her of the girl who look like the Dr. Black assistant character. The girl was looking for something. Jane went closer and closer to her. She turned around and with a big smile on her face and ask Jane " Have you seen my butterfly?" Jane told her " I haven't seen any butterfly around this field." Jane proceeds and asks the young girl why she was here? The girl answered " Because I follow a butterfly and why are you here then?"

     Jane was puzzled and she didn't know why she went to the field that day. Deep down in her heart, she knows that she wanted to escape reality just a minute. To breath from the suffocation of her workload. The girl ask Jane to accompany her to a tree. She wanted Jane to sit under a shade of a tree as it was cooler there. Jane quickly follow the girl. The girl ask Jane to sit down and just enjoy the shade.

    Suddenly, a butterfly appear in front of them. " That's the butterfly I followed" said the young girl with the widest smile a girl can have on her face. She ask Jane to look at the butterfly. Jane told the young girl why she was so amazed by such a small butterfly. " Don't you think that the butterfly is unique" said the young girl. "Nope, this kind of butterfly is always appear at my house garden" replied Jane. The young girl ask Jane to hold the butterfly and catch it with the palm. Since there was no harm, Jane did as told. Jane couldn't feel the butterfly. She told the girl that she felt nothing and the girl told her to open her hands. Once she open her hands, the butterfly left. The girl start to look sad and wanted to find the butterfly. Jane got a little pissed off and scold back the girl and said that she shouldn't have ask her to do so.

    After scolding her, Jane quickly find the butterfly. While finding for the butterfly, the girl stop and was amazed by a grasshopper. She looks at the grasshopper and then was so amazed by it. She suddenly said " why can't life be simple. Be happy with simple things. Why must my family always fight?". Upon hearing this, Jane told the girl that don't worry and that the young girl can find her whenever she is sad. Jane promised the girl that she will be there for her as what she saw in that young girl was the younger self of her. She used to be this innocent, pure and joyful. But all those change with the problems in her life. The girl cried and hug Jane tightly. Jane hug her too in return and she cried as she feels that this girl used to be her and she knows the pain of undergoing it. She promised the young girl that they will brave through the cruel world together. The hug was warm and it was so long she had such a hug.

    In reality, Jane and the young girl is one person. They are stuck together. The young girl was a representative of the old Jane. To love herself, Jane must love the inner child in her. This young girl is in Jane she also wants love. All Jane need to do is to understand, listen, never blame or hurt, give good praise and love to the inner child of her to love herself. 

Fault in our stars!!! T.T

    OMG!!! Its been so long for me to watch a romantic film in the cinema. The first thing I went back is to watch Fault in Our Stars. There were times that tears were held back, laughter was uncontrollable but my emotions was rollercoast-ing with the plot. I love Augustus Waters. He is the perfect guy in the world. Though he don't look the most handsome but his heart is what matters. He is so perfect. He is willing to love a girl that can't guaranteed a forever love as the girl is also a cancer victim. The moment when they first hold their hands, I was on cloud nine while dreaming of my own Augustus Waters hehehehe.

      The movie sound playlist  starts with Ed Sheeran "All of the Stars" is the best. I can't stop listening to it. When the first time I saw a romantic film after so long, I continue on my romantic movie marathon. I can't wait for my own love journey hahaha. I love this kind of romantic movie!!! It always show that love is hard to find but when you grab it hold on to it. I love the qoute from this movie and the qoute is definitely credited to the brilliant author of John Green !

     "There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful" 

      I nearly cried when Hazel said this!! PS: I love how Augustus Waters call Hazel Grace. Its just something sexy about it !! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! You earn a fan girl here...

The animals I have

      What are the animals I have around me?? I have a gorilla that is super smart and a monkey that says the right words at the right time. Yesterday, my morning begins like this. It all started because I was being my annoying self by disturbing people during the holidays and a good friend finally couldn't take it and she said I was annoying. I didn't expect her to be so frank to me and it kinda broke my heart. I thought about her sentence for the whole night and wonder why was i such a bane to everyone. I was quite upset and I kinda hate myself.

      My family and I went to repair my computer and then my animals called. I call my high school friend animals because our group name was the zoo. We were the noisiest, the loudest, the most crazy but the most   smartest group in the class. We have a gorilla, a monkey, a terrorist and finally me; the zookeeper cause I was always the one hushing them up when the teacher is nearby. They knew I was back and invited me to a baking session. When I reach there, they were gossiping about last time how wonderful for 4 of us to be schoolmates and all. Monkey said something dirty and I laugh uncontrollably. However, gorilla couldn't understand and I had to teach her what was the sex joke about. Then she told me something that I haven't heard for a while " That is why we need vanesa here!!" When I heard these words, my heart that was too lonely and too wounded before just went crazy like a small kid that first taste the sweet lollipop. I was going crazy.

    Gorilla didn't know any of my misery before so she acted like I was okay but monkey ask me how was life? I told her it was hell. She told me that is life and you just gonna keep up moving. We started to chat more while baking chocolate chip cookies, egg white cookies and chocolate muffin. I love those chatting days. Unlimited curse words, unlimited sex jokes and definitely no hard feelings words were said. Gorilla and I found an amazing spot in monkey's house that was so safe. That spot was so safe that when we were sitting under there, we felt like kids again. After all the baking, Gorilla started to mop the floor and it sounded like she wash the entire kitchen. It was so loud that me and monkey was laughing like crazy about it. Well all I could say that it was a good day spent and I love them very much. Please let this small moments to come to my life. I love these moments. And here are the things we bake, hope you guys enjoy it!!!

Prince in Disguise.

     My prince is someone who had stand by me for 6 years. He grown from a little pup to a full grown mongrel now. I love him so much. He is my dog. Today, I came back to home and the very first thing what I wanted to do is to sit next to him and tell him my problems. I normally go to him late at night when my family is sound asleep so I can talk to him.

     He was in his usual crazy pattern after I released him from the cage. He ran for awhile and then he will always sit next to me. He knows that I am depressed inside although in front of my family members I act okay. In front of my father, I act like I can handle any situation. When he told me family problem, he expect me to solve it. In front of my mother, I always joke around. But after the joke, I will always feel like my life is meaningless again. In front of my siblings, I act like a good sister. My sister hugs me every time she meets me and it breaks my heart cause I wanted to take my own life and didn't bother about her feelings. She always say how much I miss you and all the guilt build up and it will continue to increase every time she hugs me.

     I told my dog " Only in front of you, I dare to show my true colour in this house." My dog continues to chew his red ball while putting a paw to at my hand. I ask my dog why is life so hard. After hearing me, he starts to nimble on my hand. A voice came in my head saying " See my teeth look sharp and it may looks like it will bring you pain, but sometimes hard won't look hard cause I will never bite you." Then, I ask him why so I feel so lonely especially when in kampar and when you are not with me. He reacted by going under my legs. I understood what he wanted to tell me. He is telling me that don't worry if you can't see me, remember I am just close to you. I sat with him for an hour. I feel so calm sitting with him like nothing can bother him. Playing with his tail, his paw and scratching his head makes my day better. He is truly my prince in disguise

Double jeopardy

     What a day?? To have double the jeopardy on the same day just a few hours apart. Well let me explain what is double jeopardy. Double jeopardy means double the trouble. It's the raya holiday and everybody is enjoying to go back home and I am still here in kampar.

     My first jeopardy happen when my friend ask me to meet my head of dept of ev for a chat. I was thinking she was going to talk about event but then it was not that. It was about me. She knew I was on the verge of suicide and she knew I was thinking of self harm. That's funny, how did she know any of this??? Then she told me another lecturer told her this. I asked her again. Then, she said that one of my friend told that lecturer and that lecturer told her and that lecturer apparently tell in front of a few lecturers. When I heard this, I just feel betrayed. Why must that friend tell her? I feel so shameful. I feel like I can't walk in the fegt block anymore. Even my own mother don't know this cause I kept it from her. I hate the feeling of letting people know my problems especially a lecturer. After i came out from her room, I ask my friend who told her this? And he doesn't know at all and I believe him. So frustrated of this condition, I punch one of the metal pole. It was pain at first but my heart had a worse ache.

     Just after the first jeopardy, my second jeopardy came. My mom called me and she sounded like she cried for a long time. I ask her why her voice sounded like this and she said she was going to sleep. Then, I ask how was grandma. She told me that grandma was diagnosed with diabetes and the best part was that she blame me for staying with grandma for a year. She argue with me on the circumstance that  she buy soft drinks for me and I was the reason why grandma have diabetes. I hate this. Why push the stupid blame on me?? Why do this to me??? Why break my soul and the heart in it ??? I hate my life. I know life is harsh but till this extent I got blame. I became speechless after this cause I just love my grandma too much and you are telling me that I am the god damn reason she is ill.

     Sometimes I wonder if I can just die cause my soul is dying, my mind is too weak to fight with my monster. I am just a human. My friend told me those victims of the aeroplane wants to live so appreciate life. I wanted to reply her " I wish to exchange my life. I give them my life and you take mine" I am too tired for being strong. Too tired of fighting everyday..... I am suicidal but I can't die. It's a torture for me. To live with a will to die. 

Never ending lesson

     Dear life, why do you always push me ?? Is it fun to watch me breakdown and cry while knowing that I couldn't do anything. Being so helpless. I bow like 300 times to Buddha by now, but don't you think it meant anything?? Life you push me everytime down and tell me not to give up. I really try to crawl myself up. I crawl all the way back and you kick me back into the same spot where you left me. My grandma condition is getting worse and my mom continues to tell me. I couldn't bear this anymore and I told my mom 

"Why must you tell me ?? What can I do here in kampar ??" 

My mom replied me back "sorry" 

     Do you know how much guilt I felt when I saw my mom message of saying sorry. I hate myself. I couldn't do anything and I make my mom feel worse. I hate you Vanesa. What kind of ingrained daughter tells that to her mom? Only you. Now, I missed my grandma so much. I still remember the times where she holds my hand and tell me that she will be there for me from kindergarten till university. I want to be help her but what can I do? I am scare I may break down and my monster will empower me again. I don't want him to come out but I only cry in the dark where he is present. 

      Never ending lesson you give to me and you try your best to break my will to live. You fuel my monster in me. You make him come out everytime. I am so tired sometimes. Can you give me a break?? My life is not a drama, it's in reality. It's just seems like you give me never ending sadness.

Light at the end of the tunnel

     Many people told me don't worry about life. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. This light I had waited for so long but I never came to this light. I do wonder where are you light? Am I too dark that you are afraid of me? Am I too frightening that you don't dare come to me? Everyday is a war for me. Between my both conscience, my monster vs my god. Sometimes, my monster will come out and say Hi to me. But when he come to me and say hi, I shiver too much and tremble in fear.

      Monster in me, please die! I beg you!! I am on my knees begging you! Don't come to me. Don't be so persuasive to push me to the edge. You come out this afternoon after a phone call from home. My family is messed up no doubt but you come to me and it make matter worse. My counselor once ask me "what do your monster look like?" I told her that you have no face. She again ask me "What is the colour of the monster." I responded that you are black.  Do you know why my monster have no face and black in colour cause I can't see his face at all in the darkness of the tunnel where my light seems to disappear. You are black because I can't see you but I can feel your presence near me.

    Monster in me, you stayed in my heart since young and that is why I sleep with my lights on until now. I have vision of you beside me while I am sleeping in pitch blackness. The night light seems like a light at the tunnel. When you come, you teach me that the world is pitch black and full of hatred. You shown me the hatred in humanity. When I was a happy young school girl, you shown me hatred in my schoolmates who beat me up and when I go back you continue on your lesson by letting my family beat me. Its a continous cycle of beating and until I reach high school, the beating stops but the trauma in me lives. My counselor told me that these are the things pulling me back from the past. What she don't get is that the beating continues but in a different approach. Its now words that can break my fragile heart or not even a heart to begin with cause my heart was burned a long time ago. My sister complain that in school, she got bully. I wanted to tell her that I am still getting beaten down till now.

     Monster in me, I don't know why but when I am writing this blog, I can feel you are laughing deep down cause I was under your control for a long time. I tried to retaliate you but somehow at one moment you will hold me down. Don't worry monster, I will still put you in a cage cause I am somebody to many people. I will let you laugh but in vain. You will not control me anymore and if I continue this fighting you will die. No more suicidal thoughts, no more cutting, no more snapping myself for sleep. I know all this bad habits are your source of energy. I must stop this so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

   

My grandma...

     Since young, I knew love from my grandma. She was my teacher, my guardian and my inner strength. She taught me that life was about going on. Her own life was a hard life but she still smiles in front of me. She was the only person I love with my whole heart. I love her more than my own life. She took care of me since young until now. The amulet I wear was bought by her and till now I will remind myself that she is protecting me. She brings me joy and I love to be around her. Although sometimes she can be quite a nag but she does this for me. I miss the times I slept with her. On the last night I slept with her, I cry silently the whole night cause of the fear in me that this will be the last. I also hope this will not be the last night. I keep a chinese ointment near me and it smell like her because she always uses it.

    I hate myself. Why can't I be more filial to her? Why can't I call her every week. I rarely call her after I come to Kampar. I was so busy with my studies and events that I sometime ignore her call. I hate myself. She call me just now about 5 hours ago and she talk to me and told me that her leg condition was getting worse. Her leg was so pain that she couldn't walk. She even told me a joke that tomorrow she need to go the doctor and have 3 body guard surrounding her tomorrow. After the call, my mom told me that my grandma told me that my grandma says that she miss my voice. After hearing that, I am filled with guilt. I hate myself.

    I can't believe that I never thought of my grandma all this while. All the time I was thinking of committing suicide, I was neglecting her feeling. If I would have commit suicide, my grandma will be the first to be sad and I think my mom will not dare to break this news to her. Why am I so selfish? All the guilt is now in my heart. I didn't think of her. Please god, wherever you are no matter in what form. Please help her!! I am willing to sacrifice for her. Don't hurt a good soul. Don't help me, I am just another broken soul that deserve pain as I just nearly hurt my grandma heart. The pain from my heart is fuelling my monster and its exhausting my soul. Why god you keep testing me? First is my studies, then my events, then is my friends suicidal action then now is my grandma? I hate you sometimes for testing me for so long. I am tired. I can't keep up being happy anymore...

The best scolding I got

      Have you seen in movies or dramas when a person change his or her ways after getting scolding from a character in the movie? Well you can say that the same situation practically happen to me last night. I was used to be my whining self, thinking of the past and not letting go of the past grudges. My housemate had enough and she scolded me. 

  

    When she screwed me, she scold the part of me who wants to fight the demon in me on being too weak. The warrior side of me was awaken. When that side of me awaken, I cried in front of her. It's unusual for me to cry in front of somebody but yesterday I did and it was bad. My housemate told me that she can imagine how bad I cry when I am alone. She told me to stop this madness and I can do it cause she had done it. She told me that she used to cry every night too and she stop and realized it was stupid to cry every night. She told me that I can do it. She say the world will be cruel but as long as you are not then your own soul can cope with it. 

 

      After hearing her, I stopped crying for a few seconds and I look at her and she suddenly ask me whether I want chocolate or not. I was so surprised that she was willing to give me chocolate after scolding me. But then I realize that after every bad thing, a good thing will happen. After she scold me, she gave me a chocolate. 

     Later, she gave me a sticker that says "I am your bandage." She told me that now she gives this to me but after I recover, I must give it to another person and heal that person wound like how she heal mine. I couldn't sleep later thinking on how foolish I was back then to dwell in the past.

Monster in me

     Monster in me, why are you becoming stronger day by day? Why do I feel like I am too weak against you? You come out when I am alone with nobody to help me defend you. Monster in me why do you make me breakdown and cry every night. Why you make me hate myself so mush for being a failure? Monster in me, I hate you. You drain all my energy. You broke my spirit and everything in my soul. Sometimes, I wish you can stop whispering to me and haunting me in my dreams. Your whisper is too much for me to handle. You always tell me how pathetic I am, how I failed, how I am another worthless piece of garbage. Monster in me, I can see you very clear now, sitting at one corner of my room telling me to harm myself. Sometimes, I listen to you. I snap myself using a rubber band till my arm is too pain to move. Sometimes, you make me question my life. I feel like you ask me to kill myself since I am not worth it. 

      Monster in me, can you go away? I don't want to live with you. I can feel you are gaining control of my life. You are controlling my life. Someone ask me " If you could take your own life without pain, without harming your friend and family, would you do it ? " I told that person no directly but monster in me you keep whispering to me "YES." I thought of this question and I can feel you controlling my mind. You are telling me " Little girl, little girl, you don't have to suffer with me around. Just kill yourself and I will die together with you. At least there is one less failure in this world and you are making the world a better place."

I don't know!!!!

     I hate the damn feeling of not knowing how to do things!! I hate it when I don't know how to solve the problem or when my answer is wrong. I can't fucking believe to solve one equation, I took like 1 hour to solve it. Why can't I do this easily? Why can't I understand it? I hate this feeling! I feel like a failure every single fucking time I can't solve it.

     Who ask me to take engineering course? Fucking problems that sometimes even the damn textbook is wrong. So pissed off on why can't I solved it. The mid term is coming in 2 weeks and I cant even get passed the second chapter. I don't want to get B again. I want to get 4.0 and I know I put such pressure on myself and I don't want to fail. I have no time. I feel like time is laughing at me and racing with me. I can't do the question at all.

     My assignment is coming and due. They are coming and killing my time again. I can't even relax for 1 hour as I need to study. I can't study as my head is about to explode. All I can do is sit at one corner and cry. I fucking cry for like 3 times today because I can't solve the problem and I am not able to as I can't even read the damn book. My friends ask me to sleep but I already sleep very long and I can't do the questions. I don't want to be a failure. I had enough failures in my life. One more failure would push me to the edge. One more failure might just end my life. I hate my life.

     People ask me to think that tomorrow is a new day but I cry when I reach a new day because I am too fucked up. I can't think straight. If I had my blade, I might feel like I can control my emotion. I can choose whether I should live or not but even that I don't have. All I can do is live another miserable day. I hate you life. You always pull my hand when I fall down and release it before I stand up and I fall the second time. Its 2.50am and all I need is sleep but my mind is running crazy on how much things should I do. Can you just fucking kill me? If anyone crash me with a car, I will thank him or her the next life. 

Funny Life Indeed!!

     Well, I had downs and ups this few weeks but I do love the funny things in my life. How small it is but I do remember its moment and laugh once in a while. I know its my fault for remembering only the sad part of my life. Up to a point where all I can think is the pain from my heart. Up to a point where I believe my life deserve pain that is why I snap myself and cry myself to sleep.

     My friends always tell me cheer up the world ain't that bad. But sometimes, you feel like your world is crashing down. Every single night I lose my battle to depression, I cry for no good reason and my heartache worsen day by day. My friend suggested me to see a real doctor not a counselor for this problem. But the thing is that I don't want my family to know about this. My family don't deserve such pain from me. I hate the feeling of sharing my pain to others. Thisf pain is mine and I should carry it. There was a quote saying " you are not Atlas, you are not suppose to carry such weight on you" but I feel like that quote is totally not applicable in my life. For I was born to help mankind as it is in my name. This burden is too heavy on me. Everybody put such a high expectation on me. This higher the expectation they have, the more pressure is exerted on me. I am just a human made of skin and bones not a cooking pressure pot.

     I hate the idea that I need to show a good example to my siblings, need to score the highest in exam, need to be the support to my family and need to be the one who excels in life. I hate it when people call me the pro, the clever bunch or worse sifu. I hate the damn idea of people putting such a high expectation on me and whenever I fail, I fall hard to the ground. My body could feel the impact and my heart would literally come out of my body. The funny part of all is that I need to stitch this heart back into my body and act like I never was hurt by putting a happy mask to everyone.

     Why is life so funny? Can't you give me a break? Can't you let me breath just a second? I want to somebody else, not the person who everybody put their hopes on. My body can't take it. My soul is crumbling. Everyday, my life is a joke waiting for people to laugh. How can you put so much hope on a broken person like me. I don't even love myself. When somebody ask me whether can I be friends with myself, I hesitated. I can't even be friends with myself. Its funny when you think about it. Not being friends with yourself. Funny life indeed!

Decisions!!

     What is life without the decision to make it? Great! Choices and decision again in my life. I am always face with choices that must make sacrifice. The situation is that I wanted to be an exco for a society. I choose FA Society since last year. I really bust my balls to be one of the exco cause I know it will help me get closer to my dream. Since last year till now, I already organize 2 events under this society. The first event was great and I learnt a lot from the first event but whats troubling me is the second event. The second event was an event I poured my heart and  soul to it and what return to me is feelings of sadness, unappreciated and being a failure.

     I am crying every night and drawing my hand with red marker pen to feel like I am cutting myself. I feel so sad every night. I feel like I failed the whole world and I should disappear. But the thing is that now FA society is now having its Annual General Meeting. I heard a rumor, they want me to be their exco. Finally my wish came true. All my hard work paid off but because of them also I am suffering in silent like this. I don't know what should I do?  To give up on my dream and recover or continue suffer but my dream not lost.

    I beg my friend to choose it for me but all of them say that this is my life so I should choose it. One of my friend told me that when you want to get something, you should sacrifice something. After I saw that, tears came down from my eyes. I dont want to sacrifice. I know its greedy but I hate to sacrifice. Then another friend of mine told me "Choose the road that will make you regret less and cry less". I finally got to my conscience and chose the road that will abandon my dream to be an exco cause it will make me happier and regret less. I no need cry so long every night and think of killing myself if I am not in par with my expectation to be one of the greats.

If she can, I can !

    Well, depression is clouding me and making me cry every single night. I cry until I am exhausted and then I can only sleep. If not I can't sleep. My hands keeps on shaking no matter what I do. Yesterday night was the same things again. Couldn't sleep, feeling sad, cry then sleep. But before I sleep, I saw a video on Youtube that reveals why Demi Lovato, a singer and actress from Disney cuts herself. Without hesitation, I open this video and watch it. She reveal because she had a eating disorder due to bullying then she started to self- harm. She went for treatment many years later, only she became better and stop self- harming. She said the reason why she wants to stop self- harming is to show a good example to the younger sister.

     I also want to be like her. Not a world class singer or actress but a person who saves herself for her sister. I want to be a good example to my sister. My sister is the only one who can pull me back to the happy world. Someone who can show me that the world is not that awful, not that bad. Whenever, I came back, she will be the first one to hug me and say how much she miss me. If I self harm or leave this world, it will never be fair for her.

    So, I want to be like Demi Lovato. I want to save myself. I want to be better. I want to kick out depression and anxiety disorder from my life. Although every single fucking time I dream, there is someone scolding me for the mistakes I did in an event. Every morning, I woke up crying because there is someone scolding me. Last dream, I dreamt my coursemate scold me for doing an event that bring shames to the EV students and the one before I dreamt that my ex-committee was scolding me for not doing a good job. But I must try to get over this cause its consuming me. Its taking my life away from me. 

Why can't I

Why can't I keep it to myself? All my problem why can I keep it to myself. Idiot me I have been keeping all this while, why blab out to other people now?

    Ever since primary school when you were spit on, called names, discriminated for being one of the boys, you kept it to yourself. You never told your family about the abuses when you were in school. Even when my family gives me pressure when I was young and got caned in the family, you don't tell to other. There was once you told to your extended family about this problem and you were pinched by your so called guardian until your thighs were blue black and then caned till the rotan broke to half at the legs. You learn to keep it to yourself from then. Why can't you be like your younger self?

     You were a loner, a person with no friends when you reach secondary school. You always wonder why people have friends and why you are all alone. You tried to approach some but because of your temper you learn from home, you were distant by others. You just go back and cry in the toilet and blame the shampoo if your mom notices. Why can't you be like that?

     But now, just events' problem and studies, you cant stand it. Where is that safe in your heart? Why can't you keep more. Don't talk to me when you can't keep it to yourself!! You are a failure and weaker than when you are younger. Why can't you just keep to yourself? Why can't you just suffer alone? You have been god damning doing it for almost 19 years now. There is no excuse you can't keep it to yourself. Just cry when you go back. Why tell?

    I understand what was my voice in my brain telling me. I should keep it to myself and maybe just reveal to the counselor as I already started on counselling. If I getting panic attack, I will keep it to myself. I have no right to share my problems with others, they also feel stress. Why put such a burden on them when you are suppose to hold the burden. Remember this !!    

The pain

     I wanted to know why do my heart feel so painful. I want to know why I had become this emotional these few days. Then I found online that the reason I don't know the root of the pain because there is too much and my subconscious mind couldn't decide why and just crash and burn. Then, I went online again and found out that there is 7 source of emotional injury from psychology today.

1) Rejection
2) Loneliness
3) Loss and Trauma
4) Guilt
5) Rumination
6) Failure
7) Low self- esteem

     Well, I can find myself in categories of 2,4,5,6,7. First is loneliness which is category 2. I feel lonely this few days. Its not because I don't have family or friends . Its because I keep all the sad emotion to myself. I never fully reveal all my sad emotion to anyone. I feel like I am carrying all the burden myself. At some point, I do believe nobody actually like or love me and some just care for me not because they love me but because of responsibility to love me and empathy towards me. My own family members also once told me that if I wasn't their daughter, they will leave me to rot. So I know that its because of responsibility not willingness to love me.

     The second is guilt; number 4. My type of guilt is unresolved guilt. I believe that my feelings left behind when I have not fully apologized for a person. When I was doing my event, everyone expect me to perform the best. They expect me to excel but I didn't. I feel like I let them down. I feel like I owe them. I didn't perform my task well. There were event committees who yelled, scolded and even cry because of me. All this makes me feel so worthless. I can't be the person they expect. Even my event adviser told me why I do such a horrible job. When I didn't get high score, she ask me why didn't I study harder so we can raise the EV name. All this was on my shoulders. The guilt I felt is too much.

    The third is rumination. Rumination is going over and over the unpleasant or disappointing experience in life. I made a mistake and didn't score so well in my exam and I made a mistake that I overpower my team. Sorry but its too late to be sorry. Both post-mortem of my event is always replaying my head. All the shouting, the scolding , the crying, the blame keeps repeating in my head. I can't stop it. I just feel so helpless cause I can't turn back time.

    The fourth is failure. I am a failure. Failure to my family for not being chinese educated, all the things have to be pass to my brother. Failure as a student, can't score well and didn't bring EV name and pride up. Failure as a friend, make them cry and so concern for me. Failure in doing event, I feel that if I am not there, the event maybe more successful. Failure to all. I am a failure and I dream to be one of the greats. Pathetic dream. I fall below rubbish. Even rubbish have more value than me.

     The last one is low self- esteem. After these few weeks, I question my worth. I am worth less than rubbish. I am so useless. Whenever I walk at the corridor of the university, I feel like I am the ugliest, the dumbest and even the most useless. I am so worthless and I like want to disappear from the world. I shouldn't be born. Maybe somebody should replace my life. Maybe they will do a better life than me.

The temptation....

    I don't know why am I so sad since last night until now. I just feel so sad and my heart is bleeding. I have the temptation to cut myself to divert the pain and release some good endorphin into my body system. I know cutting yourself is very addictive and I don't want to start on that path. I don't want to let people see that I am a cutter. But the pain in my heart for no reason is overpowering me. I can't feel my physical body anymore. All I feel is pain in my heart. My happy mask is getting harder to fit on my face cause the heart is bleeding profusely.

     Now when I am sad, I can't cry anymore. I just stare at the blank place in my room. Just stare and my sad emotion settles in. I nearly tried to cut myself last night cause the pain was to overpowering. The blade was already at my right hand and I wanted to cut at my knuckles so it wouldn't look so obvious. I really want to feel pain externally cause my internal pain is too pain. But I didn't do it, I know this is very addicting and I don't want to continue this practice.

    So I search online on how to solve this temptation. Online told me to take a bunch of rubber band and pull and snap it on my skin when I feel like cutting myself. And I tried that method. After a few snaps on my wrist, I feel pain and I don't feel like cutting anymore. Now there is a rubber band at my wrist preventing me from cutting myself. I really don't want to have this cutting habit and I don't want to commit suicide cause I have people who love me like family and friends. But I want to make this pain disappear. I don't even know why do I feel so pain in my heart. Why can't my heart just grow thicker skin and withstand it. Maybe my heart had too much to stand. It can't cope anymore. 

That moment

     We all had a moment in life that you wish to turn back and change it. Maybe it would change your whole life. Maybe life wouldn't be like this. So if you have a moment to change what would you change ? This story I known was similar with this incident.

     Since form two, Vanesa didn't think that love would come knocking softly on her door. She knew it was love but she was afraid I might be despair or pain as most of her life that was what she had. She met Mitchel when she was 14 years old. Mitchel was just the nicest boy in the class. He sits in front of her and always help her with homework. Simple gestures like giving her his notes when she haven't copy finish, laughing at her jokes and just smiling at her makes her blush as no other boys do that to her. She wasn't the prettiest girl and she knew that that was the reason why some boys don't talk to her. But Mitchel was different, he was talking to her and smiling at her. Day by day, Vanesa fell in love with Mitchel.

     Vanesa didn't dare to tell it to Mitchel cause she don't want to lose this boy in her life. When she reach form 3, she still sitting behind Mitchel in class but the class teacher, Pn. Nor Aini wanted her to sit the other side as the other side boys were too noisy. When she knew this, she was sad as she couldn't sit with Mitchel anymore. That was the time she met Kris. Kris was the noisy bunch of the boys. He was completely different from Mitchel. He was the bad boy type. He always ask Vanesa for help as she can understand the class better and he was a slow learner. Vanesa still misses the times with Mitchel.

     After the May Mid-term examination, Vanesa heard rumour going around that Kris was starting to like her. Once, she heard Kris telling his friends on how beautiful Vanesa was especially her eyes. Although Vanesa knew Kris's intention was good but her heart was captured by Mitchel and she don't want Kris to fall in love with her. Once, Kris wrote a love letter and left it at Vanesa's table. It wrote there

" After rain, there will always be a rainbow,
The rainbow is a beautiful and captivating creation by God,
Its colour bring meaning to life,
You are my rainbow,
You bring meaning to my life,
You are the colour that shine my dark pathway,
I wish to see you everyday and hope one day you will be with me"

     After seeing that letter, Vanesa was so scare that Mitchel may see it. She hides the letter away but Jane; a friend of Vanesa saw the letter and read it. She told Mitchel that Vanesa got a secret admirer. Vanesa was so afraid to lose Mitchel. The next day, Mitchel ask Vanesa whether she need someone to protect. He ask Vanesa why would she be friends with Kris and whether she would like to switch places behind him. He wanted to protect Vanesa but Vanesa knowing how Kris may react. She was so afraid to accept Mitchel offer and said " I can protect myself" to Mitchel. Mitchel look so devastated as Vanesa didn't wanted his help.

     Somehow, Kris found out that Vanesa was in love Mitchel. After knowing this, he beat up Mitchel during physical education class. Both of their parents had to come to school and Mitchel was traumatized after this incident. Vanesa knew this case and was so devastated that Mitchel got hurt. Vanesa drew a line with Kris and didn't want to talk to him anymore. Mitchel also started to distant from Vanesa and it broke her heart. Since that beatings, Mitchel was never that close to Vanesa. Till now, her heart still yearns for him. Now, it had been 3 years she didn't talk to Mitchel. They went on completely different road leaving a scar behind. Even until now, Vanesa didn't dare to accept any boy's offer to be her boyfriend as nobody could replace Mitchel in her heart.

    That moment when she declined Mitchel offer to protect her was the most regretful moment in her life. If she didn't decline Mitchel, maybe she would be studying in America not in her local Malaysian university. Maybe she could hold Mitchel and love him with all her heart. Maybe Mitchel was her one true love and she lost it due to fear....

My alien!!

     I have been so damn tired and sad this few weeks. That sometimes I do wish to end my life. Many persuaded me to go to the counselor and try reduce those suicide thoughts in my mind. Problems come and go but the frequency of it coming and going was just too unbearable to me. Today, I learnt an important message from an wise old man. He said that " Always remember where are you and what are you doing now, if your heart and body is not one, many problems will arise" I believe him because every problem of mine starts when i don't know where am I and also what am I doing. My body may look like sleeping but I am thinking of other things. I tried to practice this! And I came back home and chat with my old high school friends which one of them included my ex-crush or can say my alien.

     I concentrated at their chat and didn't think of anything else. And sure enough, I was so happy at one point. I laughed at all their jokes so hard. I love them so much. I don't think I can live without them. They are really the bomb but there was one in particular that make my heart beat so fast.

    There was a moment in the group skype session that my alien wanted to tell me something. Then the line cut off. OMG my heart jump and my language went berserk that time. Swear words were flying from left to right and right to left. Finally, I connected to the skype and he say that I look damn different from where I was last time. And he say it in a way that make me feel beautiful. Like usual, my friends teases him and ask us whether we needed a moment or not. And we responded no. And also every joke I told in the group, he laughed so hard. And every time I tell him what am I doing as an environmental engineering student, he says its amazing.
   
     He got an american accent now but I know its him. I had waited for him 6 years to freaking respond me and now he does but I not sure whether is it true. My heart continues to beat so fast and my face blush every time he says what I do is amazing. OMG, I never felt something like this for a long time. I love this feeling. I love to have the hope of being in love and spending my life with someone I love. All those frustration and sadness just went down the drain. I am filled with this happy feeling again......

A mask

     A mask is something you cover with your face. Hiding your true face from the crowd. Some may use this mask for stabbing someone in the back but for me I like to hide my sadness with a happy mask. A mask that smiles to everyone despite my heart is bleeding profusely due family, studies and others. 

     People do ask me why I hide this sadness? It's because since young my family told me that true feelings of sadness will only bring sadness to other people. Since young when I was bullied , spit on and harass for not being girly enough, I would not cry in front of my mom. Instead I go back home and cry in the showers and blame my shampoo for my red eyes. My mom knew I had something holding me back and she always say that life I like this. They have problems and everybody need to face it. 

     My mask got thicker over the years as I transform my personality. I used to be an introvert and I notice I had no friends at all. My friends were always not at my back and many will backstabbing me since young. So I grew more and more layers of mask over the years. By the time, I reach university my mask was so thick that this mask was too hard to take out. And whenever I took it out I will cry one corner of my room cause I see the ugly side of my true feelings. All the things I keep to myself, and when I unleash it, I got screwed for it. Like my event problems, many told me that I brought this sadness to myself like I wanted this dose of sadness in my life. 

     I had to bear this sadness alone and I was taught to do so. As long this mask glued to my face, I will always smile in front of you. My heart is full of stitches from many heartbreaks in the past. I don't want to show this ugly side of me to others because I myself can't even face the mirror when I open this happy mask. I just wish I can have more strength to keep this mask glued to my face before I breakdown.

Bittersweet day!!

Today, I woke up with a smile on my face. I finally slept for 10 freaking hours!! Something that haven't done for so long!! I love the afternoon sunlight hitting my face and finally telling me to wake up! I saw my friend's post saying life is bittersweet. How life will always have its sweet and bitter moments. Well, I just discard it cause I thought how this happy day could actually fucked up..

     My morning ummm sorry afternoon begins when I go and change my Fb profile pics. After i posted it, there were two boys who told me I was amazing. I was on top of the clouds. Even one told me that, I was amazing for who I am. Then he sent me the link to Bruno Mars video on just the way you are. I dare him to sing to me but he doesn't want.... But it still makes my day. Another boy call me beautiful. Awwwwwwwwww, very long no boy have compliment like this to me. But don't worry boys, I wont fall in love with you guys since I am waiting for my soulmate at work.

     I was on cloud nine. And the sweetest thing haven't happen. The sweetest thing was that my ex-crush commented my profile pic and told me that I had change a lot and he wanted to meet me. OMG OMG my heart suddenly beats so fast and my stomach had butterflies flying wild. I haven't seen him since form 5 until now. Its been 3 years and he decided to crash at Kampar somewhere next 2 weeks. I hope I wouldn't develop any feeling for him cause its going to be hard as hell to have this relationship.

     Well, every sweet thing must have a bitter part. My evening was horrible. My assignment got problems and my family problems were increasing so bad. Why do I have such a grandma? Why am I the one who had to listen to my mother's sorrow and can't do a damn thing about it. I hated my family sometimes but I am blood -bonded with them. And I know things like this always happen to me but why must it happen to me at a happy day when I was so happy I could fly.

     But then, there was my her. She came when I was going to cry and going to breakdown. At first, I tried to conceal this emotional part of me from her and wore this happy mask cause I know the real face of mine looks horrifying around anybody. She bought me some of her hometown food and she notice I was somewhat off. After she went, I couldn't conceal this mask anymore and cried out at my pillows. There was a knock on the door, she came back and tried to help me cause she thought I was not the gleeful me. I wipe all my tears away and tried to fit that happiness mask again but I couldn't. I just feel like breaking down but she was there and I can't breakdown. After she left, I listen to some rock song and drank a cup of coffee and got better. I steam her hometown food and was so happy to eat it cause I know sometimes life always have its bitter and sweet moments.

What a day?!

     Today, I thought life was going to end. I was going to start my other event. The event that I was scare the most. I really got so stress up that in class any joke that my friends make I tried to laugh as I can so people will not see it. I tried to hide my feeling. I try to hold back my tears in front of everyone. I tell to my closes friends that I am about to explode. One of them were so good that she lend her shoulders for me to sleep. I was too tired and I just slept there for 15 minutes. She didn't tried to move and help me cause she knows I had a rough start of the day. She even accompany me to the workshop to see my committee works. She will always be remember as she is my EV senior and she even followed me to class.

     I didn't expect her to buy gifts from pulau perhentian but she bought one. I was so shock regarding that cause I didn't ask her to buy it for me. After she left, I had a terrible start to my event's preparation. But remember all is well. I love how it finally works out. My shoulders were lifted from burden and I hope the week faster end and I can finally concentrate on my studies. Oh yah!!

Stupid Anger of mine

I hate you anger. Why must you come to my life? Fucking anger.
You must be wondering why I hate anger so much. Because once it gets up, its very hard to get down! It takes lots of relaxation and therapy to get it down. Besides that my head feels like it is about to explode. The flow rate of my blood suddenly spike up and my blood vessels can't cope it.

Why must idiots exist? Why must they ruin my life and give fuel to my anger? I got so pissed off that my tongue start lashing out without any consideration of other emotion. I must always shout at my pillow whom i hug every night to reduce this anger... Must calm down, JA calm down , chillax for a while. That's it, relax. Calm your anger and breathe in and out. Think of the people you need to meet later. They don't want see you so angry and you might hurt them. Don't do this to them. Okay?

If I can make you happier!!

If I can make you happier I would. I am not someone who is chasing you, just an ordinary girl helping a wounded friend. I know life wasn't a breeze and it was like a hurricane to you. If small gestures would make you smile, I would. You remind me of my sister who is now not with me. When you talk to me, I always think that I am talking to a great person. You are beautiful the way you are stop doubting yourself. Small gestures like giving pikachu boxes make my day.

I hope you can read this but I wouldn't tell you to find it cause deep down this is how I feel. I treat everybody the same. if you treat me nice, I would give my heart to you and hope you don't crush it. If you treat me bad, that will be the last time I give anything to you. If I treat you nice, there must be a reason and the reason is because you treat me better and you make me super super comfortable talking to you. Thanks a lot for giving me the chance to know you and I hope this friendship will last till my last breath!!

My fear, anger, sad and happy~ness

Yesterday, I went to the counselling week exhibition at utar. I feel so relieved that I went there and wrote things that was so hidden in my heart regarding my fear, anger, sad and happy feeling...

First I went to write in the fear counter. What was my fear?? I fear loneliness and fear of not achieving what i want.

Then, I went to the anger counter and the things that pisses me off is that people dont follow me 

Later the sad counter, I wrote that I was feeling sad as 2 events and studies was on my shoulders and I really hurt a friend yesterday. I feel bad for hurting you !!

My happiness will be for good friends and company like my wonderful family 

My dream are all written in this paper. I want to be the greatest environmentalist and save humankind from there own destruction and have time for family and friends. Remember HOPE = hold on, pain ends

This was the last part of the event and I absolutely love this quote!!